Living up to my reputation

Can't get to sleep - again. Pills not working, tea not working, sleeping on the couch not working.
Reading a book, not helping. What else is left to do?

Maybe I shouldn't watch TV before bed - if it's an exciting or gripping story, I get wound up.
Not that I think of Masterpiece theatre that way - but this story was involving. Still, you'd think I could sleep by 2am. I've been in bed since about 10:45.

Does my mind race around like a rat in a cage - well, yes. But it always did. I always "worry", or ruminate on what's happening in my life. Things are no better or worse. Although, I do have more pain. Now it's my hands. For some reason, at night, they feel swollen and very painful. They even burn - especially my right hand. I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow, but have little hope he'll come up with anything. Actually, I'm afraid he'll offer me another pill and the last two or three times I've tried something new, it's been disastrous in terms of side effects.

I guess I just want a magic want to make me 50 again. Or, I'd settle for 60. But 70 and up has been a bear!

I got a new Morland book and am enjoying reading it. It's nice to be able to curl up with my favorite people and country and settle in for a nice read. Not that it isn't exciting sometimes, but we've been in the first World War now for about four books and it's not over yet.

I pass the books on to Toni and to my friend Myra. I think this is number 34 or 35. In the beginning we raced through hundreds of years of English history but now we've slowed down a lot. I'm hoping we go back and fill in some of those early years. There really were huge gaps there say in the 15th century or 17th century.

The books follow an English family through 500 years of history and you get to know them all and the branches of the family and through their experiences you get a really good feel for the historic period they are experiencing. Toni says she falls asleep counting Morlands instead of sheep. I long ago lost track of who is related to whom, but the names are all familiar to me as I start reading. Sometimes I wish I had Toni's mind - she knows all the stories and when references are made to trivia in them she picks up on them. Tonight when I was reading there was a trivia reference but I couldn't remember what it was. Something about the footings of a house in the middle of a field. I suspect that house was important centuries ago............

Sometimes, I pick up a random book in the Morland series and just read it for fun. But I guess it's a weird addiction we have.

To change the subject - maybe I should change the heading? I'm trying to learn the in's and out's of my new video camera called a Flip. It's very small and takes nice videos which you can watch on the computer screen, or attach to the TV and watch them there. There's lots of things you can do with editing, emails, making stills, etc. Unfortunately, there is NOT a good instruction book to go with it and I'm learning more from emails from my friend Arlene, than anything the company provides.

There are a lot of assumptions made about working with electronic devices. Like push "yes" when there is not a"yes" button. People who are really good at working with electronic devices know what "yes" buttons might be....me - I need it to say "YES". But I'm getting the hang of it.

I got it mostly for the grandchildren's birthday parties and I have some nice shots of Micah at his and Dahlia at hers. The parents worked so hard to make the parties nice. I guess I used to do that too - baking and decorating cakes, planning games and decorations etc. I used to hire our baby sitter to play games with the kids that way I could talk to the Mom's.

Kelly has some really good friends who went to a lot of trouble to make a couple of dozen assorted cupcakes with fancy decorations on them. Pure sugar! But very pretty. Plus they had the party in the garden which is very pretty with all kinds of different levels for tables, chairs and umbrellas and lots of flowers blooming helter skelter. I should have taken more pictures of the setting. There was also great food - and I'm not sure what Kelly made and what her friends made. I enjoyed a red cabbage slaw and the BBQ chicken was wonderful.

Dahlia was very cute and quite composed about all the fuss. She doesn't get rattled easily - she's not particularly clingy and she likes the camera. Mia used to too. Gary said my grandkids "loved" the camera and the camera "loved" them. Dahlia doesn't get whiny or cry a lot - which given that she is only 2 is surprising. That's why I say she's quite composed and not fussy. As long as she doesn't take a fall, you hardly hear her cry. She talks quite a bit, but I'm not always so good at figuring out what she's saying.

Dahlia got some great gifts too. They have wonderful things for kids today - really creative and stimulating toys. Makes ME want to sit down and play with them.

Maybe I'll send them, Rose and Gary, pictures of the kid's parties. I don't know that they are interested, but then maybe they are. It's a little uncomfortable because they have no grandkids so I don't want to rub it in - but I do love mine and like to share them in photographic displays.

I miss Micah. He's so cute and responsive, and I was hoping to Skype him when we got home so we could reinforce who we were but we haven't done it yet and it's been a week we're back. It's so weird - you look forward so long to these events, or a trip and then - it's over! You hardly have a chance to savor it. I hope I'm around for Micah's Bar Mitzvah - speaking of events to look forward to.

Speaking of which - I'm worried my Bat Mitzvah is going to be a disorganized mess. Judith (the teacher) doesn't seem to have much organization or control. She says one thing - like we'll practice the service every week, and then it doesn't happen. Half the class isn't showing up consistently and I KNOW they don't know their stuff. And even if they do, we should be practicing on the beema so we know the choreography of all of us moving about the "stage".
I know we have a couple of months, but in my opinion, we should be getting this down pat.
We're still mulling over - should we say this or that? When should we say it? And the people who aren't here are sure to have opinons. And don't get me started on planning the invitations and lunch.

At least F hasn't dropped out of the class - which Madame X was threatening (since they are joined at the hip). Madame X didn't show up but she had said she wasn't going to "waste her time practicing the service" she was going to spend it learning her Torah portion. The problem is the I've seen her in action when she hasn't "practiced" and it annoyed the hell out of me. The service was just a jumble - some of it due to J "leading" and not being prepared. Another reason I'm nervous about how this is going to come off.

I keep trying to "turn it over" - and tell myself that it's not a "performance" it's a prayer service. But I want the prayer performed smoothly and with meaning - I don't want a lot of tripping over each other and false starts. So here I am trying to "control" again. I have to remind myself that it's me and 9 other women - so I have NO control and not much voice in how things are going to play out.

So - let it go - it will be what it will be. Good night.

If if's and and's were pots and pans

Once again, I'm sleepless. Am I anxious? Are thoughts tumbling through my brain raising my anxiety level? NO - I just can't sleep. It's like my body has forgotten how.

There is pain - but I don't think that's what wakes me up - I just notice it when I can't sleep.

I don't know what I'm going to do about the pain. The MD said there was no arthritis in that hip (they took an Xray a week or so ago).

The surgeon said "There can't be any pain coming from the back, it's all fused." Ergo, I'm not feeling any pain.

I've tried all kinds of pain medication and they have side effects which are worse than the pain - in my opinion. So I'm going to try and contact the doctor that did cortisone shots in my back.
He's a pompous prick, but he does do a good job with that and I'll just have to grin and bear it.

The reason I say he's a PP is because he talks about himself the whole time - about how wonderful he is and how successful and admirable.....really? Well, maybe it's all true, but while he was doing this he was jabbing 8 inch needles into my back and totally ignoring the fact that I was in a lot of pain. The wonderful nurse pointed out to him "I think she's hurting." Duh!

So unless I want to increase the pain, I can't exercise or walk much. That drives me nuts. I'm not one for sitting still unless I'm reading and I can't read all the time. I do spend a lot of time on the computer but I'm not that skilled or interested that I want to spend hours social networking - I'm just not into that.

Journaling is fun - but again it's rather self absorbed and of limited value. So blah blah blah -
I hurt - therefor I am. And I didn't sign up for this kind of old age!! I had planned to travel to distant places and/or explore the Galapagos and Manchu Pichu. Or at the very least, volunteer to help out in poor communities. Something!

I'm also getting scared about the future - I don't see anything good. My husband will be 80 this year. I'm afraid of losing him - and I see that all the time around me. Widows. Or I could go first - I'm in no hurry, but the process of dying is scary - not death but dying. If I had my druthers I don't want to go like my Mom, lingering in a convalescent home for years - non compus mentis. But it would seem I have little or no control how these years will be spent and with whom.

I think this part of aging is unknown territory. The sense of being out of control of your own destiny - the feeling that you are deteriorating mentally and physically and can't control that.
The sense that there is no "future"; no worthwhile goals; no productivity to make one feel useful in the world. This is where grandchildren come in - they make it all worthwhile and I only hope I'm around to take pleasure in THEIR achievements. My goal is to make it to Micah's Bar Mitzvah as I"m pretty sure Carol intends him to go that way. Hell, right now I'm hoping to make it to my own Bat Mitzvah in August.

So "if I could only walk" or "if only I had more energy"....are useless maunderings. It is what it is and I have to make the best of it.

Travel and Steps

Just came back from a visit to Albuquerque where we went for my grandson's first birthday.

He is one cute little guy. He's already walking pretty solidly and he says a word or two clearly - and lots of "talk" which sounds like it might be words but isn't understandable. His Mom talked well and early - at 18 months she was talking in sentances - maybe paragraphs. So maybe he takes after her.

It's so much fun to be around babies. I love to hold them, hug them, kiss them, play with them.
I'm really just a baby at heart myself. I roll on the floor (at least I try to) and chase them on all fours. What was I thinking? I'll be 73 this summer. I can't roll on the floor and chase toddlers - can I? Well, it doesn't stop me it just ups my intake of ibuprofen. I hope I don't hurt myself.

Both my little grandchildren are "solid" little people. I don't know exactly what they weigh but Micah feels like about 25 lbs. and Dahlia more. I know I can't carry Dahlia any distance and certainly not up stairs - I can barely lift my own weight up stairs. Fortunately Carol doesn't have any stairs at her house. Although the house actually belongs to Lisa.

It was a good trip and lots of partying. There was a dinner party on Micah's birthday, and a BBQ on the next day and the following day was Mother's Day and we went to a nice buffet restaurant. I did well with my food plan. I was able to make good choices from the buffet and Carol had plenty of food around which fills my food plan needs and I wasn't tempted to try the birthday cake (well, maybe a crumb or two). That's always an issue when traveling - will I get the food items I need to make me feel full and comfortable without straying into foods that set me off binging? It seems like the whole world works on carbohydrates that don't work for me.
There's always rice, noodles or pasta, bread or tortillas, etc. I tried eating blue tortillas and they didn't taste all that wonderful but they also didn't set me off.

It's always difficult being with my kids. I want to respect them and their space but I find myself also wanting to do things my way - because, of course, my way is sooo much better, more efficient or whatever. I have to pretend I'm visiting strangers and be very polite and respectfull.
That works better. If I'm too familiar and help myself to things or do things without asking, I tread on feelings which may or may not be parental/child conflict areas - but in any case, I don't want to go there.

My sponsor and I have been at loggerheads about my Step 8. That's making a list of all the people I owe amends to and then making amends. I've been stuck and she's been impatient with me - wants me to do it her way - so I finally "fired" her today. We broke up amicably. I may even ask her to sponsor me again in the future. I've learned a lot from her. More than I ever thought possible but we were stuck on Step 8.

Does it mean I've never done anything I regret and need to apologize for? No, I just can't remember what that might be. I guess I've blocked it out because of the pain, shame and guilt associated with that kind of thing. But, also, I've tried very hard not to step on people's toes, to apologize immediately (or soon) when I think I may have offended someone. After all, I learned that in this program 30 years ago.

Does that mean I haven't done anything since? Well probably, but someone will have to tell me that I've stepped on their toes - I sure as heck don't know it.

Dealing with People

It seems that no matter how old I get, I still have difficulties with some people and handle it badly - or at least get all upset over it.

I've been studying for my adult Bat Mitzvah - a little late, but nevertheless. There are 10 women in the class ranging in age from I'd guess about 40 to 72 (that last being ME).

From the beginning one of the women has annoyed the hell out of me. She presents herself as an "expert" and frequently mentions how she attends every Friday night and often on Saturdays too - so she is definitely "holier than thou".

She and her friend, also in the class - are in the Temple Choir - and so know all the music and prayers associated with music.

She has constantly tried to impose her views of what prayers we should say, how we should say or sing them, what melodies we should sing them too. When it came time to distribute who did what prayers or sang what songs, she would jump right in and "grab" the most favorite songs, and prayers. Especially MINE. I held back because I was trying to be Mrs. Nice Guy but there was no holding this individual back and I also blame the teacher, because she didn't intervene and say "let's let someone else have this opportunity" or "Let's go around the room and each person take one thing they would really like to do." No - when Madame X jumped in, the instructor went "OK".

Finally, even the instructor had had enough and put a stop to it when she wanted to lift the Torah as well as everything else. But, it was too late. I counted that she had 2/3 of the prayers, songs and Torah reading. I felt like it was Madame X's Bat Mitzvah and we were the backup singers. I said to her on a couple of occasions - politely I thought (but probably not) "Why don't you have your own Bat Mitzvah and then you can do all the things you want."

There were many more obstructive and diversionary things she brought up. Frequently debating with the instructor on what was the "correct" way to do things or how to pronounce things. She was also taking Hebrew lessons and there is a difference between modern Hebrew and prayerbook Hebrew but telling her that was a weekly endeavor.

She also had the charming habit of singing to herself while other people were trying to read their Hebrew portion and had to be told several times not to do that as it was rude and distracting. She always apologizes immediately - but then does it again, and again.

As we progressed, it became clearer and clearer that her self involvement excluded us, our needs and our interests. She got into an argument with the instructor who wanted her to have her Torah portion completed by the end of June so we could move forward in rehearsals for the whole service.

This all came to a head last weekend when she announced via email that she didn't want to waste her time (her valuable time) rehearsing with us doing prayers she already knew when she needed to be practicing her Torah reading (of which she had insisted on having the longest part). I sent a return email suggesting that being a part of the group had it's own dynamic and meaning. Well, the rocket went up then when we got to class. Apparently my email was the grenade that launched her as she interpreted it as being mean and nasty. She brought up our long history of friction and sent me a nasty email when she got home listing all my failings which were mostly that I didn't go along with her.

Several people in the class have jumped her quite vigorously for her behaviour and attitude but I notice she didn't mention them - just me. And for me, it's an opportunity to recoil with guilt.
Am I really that mean and nasty? Did I really intend a jibe at her? Actually, I tried very hard to be gentle with her when what I felt was like ripping her scalp off. I chose my words carefully; I tried not to attack, just to state my case and feelings. But the upshot was she ran out of the room crying and rebuffed me when when I tried to stop her and say we really need to talk.

Actually, I don't think talking will do us any good. We are too far apart. I don't deny that I like things the way I like things, but I am willing to flex to accommodate other people but I don't feel as though Madame X even has thought of the possibility that other people need to be considered.

I am also annoyed because the instructor has asked me a couple of times to write emails to this individual making nice - or to forward her emails where I've said something the instructor feels would make her feel better. I somehow doubt she is telling Madame X the same thing so I feel like I'm being asked to make all the conciliatory moves when I don't feel like I'm the person who caused the problem in the first place.

This all sounds very self serving. Methinks I protest too much. But see, this is my problem. I asked the other people if they felt I was too hard on Madame X, or if I contributed to this problem and they say "No, she brought this on herself." But I still feel guilty because I don't like her - so maybe I was hard on her. Nah!

So now she has what she wants - the instructor told her she needn't show up for rehearsals as long as she is there for the last four rehearsals before the Bnai Mitzvah (Bnai is plural). Now do you think she's going to be ready - or do you think she's going to argue, do her own thing and here's my big fear "Sing along with ME" when it's my turn to read Torah. She says she knows everyone's part! ?

There is another episode which affects me - some time ago on a Musical Shabbat night she - Madame X - and her friend were to do the musical part of the evening service. Several times they started singing but were singing different melodies, so they broke down in giggles and started over. They had not planned or practiced. I was mad! and I mentioned this in class. (for which I apologized) but ...Saying you know it, is not the same as being able to do it as that Friday night showed - but Madame X threw my own words back at me that it wasn't a performance but a prayer....so I guess the giggles were prayerful.

I know I'm a perfectionist, but I really don't want this Bnai Mitzvah marred by this kind of thing. I want us all to know our parts to the best of our ability - and everyone doesn't need to have the same ability but they do need the same intention. That is a service with serious intent to which we give our best. But I shouldn't have brought up the subject of the Friday night service - especially as the Instructor was also running that service and was only slightly more prepared than the singers.

I'm trying to "turn this over" and let go of it. I will do my part and try to let go of the outcome.
I know I can't control other people, or other people's behaviour - but G-d knows, I keep trying.
So if I have anything to pray for it is the ability to let go. As they say "let go and let G-d" - He/She can only be laughing at the foibles of well meaning people.

Would you believe hands?

I've written before about aging. It's not what I expected, planned on or seems fair.
I did not sign up for a bad back, hip problems, a bad knee, fibromyalgia and polymyalgia rheumatica. Actually, I unsubscribe to those diagnosis.

Now I'm dealing with another old lady malady.

For years I was a home health nurse. Some of the universal threads of doing this kind of work is a certain smell that entering the home of an older patient entails. Sometimes it's urine, or fecal or kind of a musty moldy smell and frequently overlaid with a menthol or eucalyptus "scent".

I shouldn't complain really. I found something that works for me and greatly reduces the pain in my hands - a recent development. I guess I hadn't mentioned that my hands had been hurting so much I couldn't sleep. They ache - sometimes burn. They feel swollen (but aren't), the fingers won't bend and if I force them the pain is increased. My hands, particularly my right hand, have no strength. Tearing a cardboard box the other day was a Herculean effort.
BUT - I remembered I had some cream which I had ordered long ago for my back and so, in spite of a smell strong enough to kill dogs, I used it and it worked! Viola! the pain subsided by about 75% - on a 1-10 scale, what had been a 7 or 8 was now a 2!! Wow!

Now I know why they use the stuff in spite of the smell and why the smell permeates everything~~ it works!. I bought the stuff from Dr. Leonard's catalog when my back was really bad and it did help, but the pain was so diffuse that I needed a paint roller to spread it to all the afflicted areas - plus the first reaction to the cream is COLD and that made my back hurt worse
initially. So I put the cream away (too frugal to throw it out) and so there it was there for my hands.

Do you know how important hands are? Any clue why there are all these statement about a "helping hand", or "getting a hand up", or a "handout" or a zillion other handy (see) statements.
I was always a "handy" person - I cook, bake, clean, garden, love, diaper babies, sew, needlepoint, knit socks, drive, play piano, paint and draw - I can't have crippled hands! I just can't.

Well, as long as Dr. Leonard's blue (smelly) gel works I can do all those things. So what's a little smell between friends?

The Better Part of Wisdom

My oldest daughter and her husband and two kids are planning to move to my city. They have good reasons not excluding the fact that my husband and I are getting older and may need more help in the coming years - for which I'm grateful.

But, they are also bringing with them their problems - financial, marital, emotional and parental. Can I deal with that? It's a good question because it requires rigorous honesty and I'm not sure of the answer.

On the one hand - I love them dearly - especially the kids. I want to be close to them and to have them in my life and vice versa. I hate being a long distance Grandma - although I do the best I can to "be there" for them. But, I don't know if I can handle them IN my house, IN my town
with the expectation that I be available to them on a daily basis - and I'm not sure that is the expectation. There has been some talk of them coming to my house after school and doing their homework here - but that means I need to be here doesn't it? I tell myself, they are not babies - they can come here to an empty house if need be and be responsible for themselves - but that's not what I think the bargain is. I think I'm supposed to ride herd on them - supervise them and stay on top of their homework - or at least the doing thereof.

I want to be available if they are sick - or need a ride someplace. I'm happy to go shopping with them or go to the movies with them. I like the idea of coming to Nana's and Grampa's house and feeling welcome.

But we've lived here 17 years without having to be responsible to anyone except ourselves (well, except for the years my Mom was in a convalescent home). ...we - I - have commitments. I go to OA two days a week, I have my Women's Group one day a week, I'm currently taking classes for my Bat Mitzvah and plan to continue with some kind of Hebrew or Trope classes after that. We both take community classes offered by Sonoma State or the JC (just one a semester but...) We visit our little granddaughter, Dahlia one day a week. We both try to exercise daily (well I don't do that as much as I should) and take care of business - shopping, walking the dog, fixing up the house, maintaining ourselves with doctor visits, grocery shopping etc. All time consuming.

My son-in-law says that their being here will turn our lives upside down - do I want that? I know there will be big changes, but "upside down" sounds pretty drastic. Of course, he likes to jab me and knows how to.

And then there is the desire to "help" - which I have to curtail. I have a strong urge to "take over". I want to fix things - so I fantasize buying them a house or a condo (at least) so they will have a "nice" place to live - or I fantasize remodeling our house so that we live in the "granny unit" and they have the downstairs - or ? I know I can't fix their problems and I know it's unrealistic to plan their lives, or try to take over .....but can I keep myself in check when they are right in my face?

This is part of parenting that no-one seems to focus on. There are books on parenting infants, toddler, children, adolescents but adults?? Once the kids are out of the house and /or married, it's all over - right? Wrong. Serene once told me that once you have children you are a hostage to the future and she was right - you/I always worry about them - their health- their welfare - their future - and it doesn't matter how old they are or you are.

The other part is that the goals I think are reflective of success and happiness may not look anything like what they want out of life. I don't quite know what they think they want - but over the years - I've concluded that it's not the things that I think are important. Or maybe they do agree with me but just haven't been able to sustain that. I think my daughter shares some of our values like owning a home, money in the bank, planning for the future, college for the kids etc. But it's hard to sit by and watch as those things flit out of control due to the economy or their choices. It's not like I have all the answers - but I sometimes feel like I do.

So, as I'm learning more and more about myself and how I function in the world - and I have to give OA credit here - I, at least, am able to look at MY part in these situations. What is in my control? What isn't? Why do I think I know the answers? And are my answers any good to anyone except myself? There are also expectations - many of which I didn't even know I had for my children - some, like college educations were obvious - but others like fulfilling my emotional life, I didn't.

So part of my fear about them moving to Santa Rosa is that I will have to deal with my expectations of what that will look like.....and I ask myself - is it dinner every Friday night together? Is it going to local attractions together? Will we take the kids to the Symphony?
and more..........

I will need to talk honestly and freely with my daughter and son-in-law about what THEIR expectations are and come to some kind of terms that balance between the four of us. I have to look at my expectations and honestly appaise them as to who benefits? Are these for MY benefit or theirs - do they share my view (unlikely) of what family connections are? Is it wise for me to organize my life around them? (as I'm likely to do) and I can't ignore my husband in all of this.
He is unlikely to be as self aware as I am - he is also unlikely to express his own needs and desires in this but he will have them.

Open communication is what is always prescribed in these situations - but how easy is that to do? How do you expose your needs and expectations and not worry about how that will be seen? Is it likely that there will be an understanding response? When should we do this? Now?
or when they get here? I have a sickly feeling that it is now....even though it may make them change their minds about coming here. Help!

Unanswerable. Tune in tomorrow - next week - next year. It's all a process.

Aging body, failing mind

Don't read this blog kids. It's just me talking to myself and you don't need to be involved.

I'm hurting a lot. My back and left hip feel like knives are slicing into me. My hands ache and throb so much I can hardly stand it. Pain medication just makes me constipated (I told you not to read this) and doesn't do much for the pain anyway. I feel very dispairing and tired of hurting. Everything I want to do is so difficult. Everything that needs to be done has to be done by someone else. The only time I feel "normal" is driving the car and even that isn't the pleasure it used to be. After all, it was going someplace that was the fun - and now when I get someplace I can't do anything about it.

Oh, I guess I could take the electric scooter out of the car and get around that way. But it isn't that easy and now with my hands feeling so painful it's hard to me to assemble the scooter.

I don't know how I'm going to manage Germany. One of the things I've been thinking is getting a cortisone shot from the doctor - I've got a message out to him now. But as for my hands, I think I'll just have to take ibuprofen more often - or routinely. These days, I just take it when I'm hurting but I noticed that when I take it in the middle of the night (maintaining the level in my bloodstream) my days is much better. The problem at night, of course, is that I need to eat something along with the pill or it's hard on the stomach.

I was always such an active and busy person, I'm finding it hard to accept that I can't do that any more - both physically and mentally. I get tired and the more tired I am the more forgetful I am. I'm only 72 (well almost 73) and I'm hoping to be around for a while yet, but I don't want to if I'm going to be like Mom. Not that I have options.

There is an assumption that you will always remain yourself as you age - most people cannot even envision that it's not a choice how you age. I know I've seen crippled people all my life and somehow never imagined that the REASON they walked the way they did was because it was painful or they couldn't help it. It sounds stupid put that way, but on some level I presumed they had a choice and chose to "walk that way".....and I'm a nurse. Go figure.

The whole issue then becomes kind of scary because not only don't I know what it's going to be like, but I don't have any control over it. I know the press likes to print articles about "mental exercises" to ward off Alzheimers. Or diet and exercise you can do to stay fit into old age - but there are limits and I suspect those limits are a lot less than what people think. I know that Annecia was very angry when she got high blood pressure because she had been doing yoga for many, many years and it "shouldn't be happening" when you do yoga!! Right. I sort of feel the same way. I may not have done yoga, but I exercised (intermittantly it's true) and I tried to control my weight (with occasional success) and here I am.

I have a friend who is 95 and "failing"....and she doesn't want to give in. She wants to do everything she ever did - be on committees, go to seminars, volunteer for charities, head up counsels - and she can't. She doesn't want to give up her independance either - can I blame her? She gave up her car which I thought she'd never do....and I don't know if I could. She has to depend on other people - who are not always so dependable or interested. But, in some ways, she is a role model because she keeps plugging along. She does the best she can, she struggles to maintain her dignity and independance and she tries to "be there" for her children and grandchildren. And those are all my goals too.

So aging is a process - like growing up and not nearly as exciting. It is the slow loss of physical capability, mental acuity and ability to deal with stress and change. I used to tell my patients that it wasn't fair that at a time in life when change is so difficult we are expected to make the biggest adjustments - the loss of a life partner - giving up a treasured home - dealing with illness
and debility.

Phooey!