Spiritual Journey's

I know - it's a turnoff. The first time I walked into an OA meeting and heard the word "G-d" I freaked out and turned off. Only my desperation to get off the dieting cycle and lose weight permanently made me go back. That was about 1972 - and I lasted four years.



At that time the "program" was very rigid - one food plan fits all - and y ou can't speak at meetings or do service unless you had "abstinance" - I fell off the wagon and just couldn't make myself go back for many, many years. They were so punitive.



I finally got tired and scared of all the yo-yo'ing weight - and the fact that each time I gained the weight back, it was higher than the time before. I obsessed over weight and food so that my thoughts were all the time what had I eaten, when would I eat again, how much could I safely eat blah blah blah blah.



So I went back - and I found that the program had grown and changed over the years as had I.

It was kinder, more accepting and, at least here in Santa Rosa, had a more spiritual angle which was not demanding, but supportive.



But, I had to find a Higher Power - that was necessary. In the beginning my Higher Power was the doorknob, (it just couldn't be ME) then the group itself. But later it was necessary for my concepts to grow to match my needs and that was very hard. I did try some Eastern relgions - at least I read about them and went to one or two services . I knew that I could not deal with Christianity or the Moslem faith - I'm really a committed Jew - on levels I can't even explain for someone who distained the actual practices.



But again, needing something, I went to services here in S.R. at various temples and found a place I could call home. It's Reform, but it has it's own perspective and there was a very inclusive attitude. Gays were welcome, mixed marriages were welcome, children of mixed marriages were welcome, I was welcome - with all my questions, debates and frustrations.

Also, I felt kind of isolated here in Santa Rosa. There isn't a large Jewish community as there was in the San Fernando Valley of Los Angeles. So after a short time living here we went to the Jewish Film Festival in San Francisco. Waiting in line, surrounded by my fellow Jews, I felt at home. All the loud talking, ebullient discussion, interupting and simultaneous talking felt like I was in the right place.

At work I was "the only Jew" and many people didn't know quite what to make of me.
My first year at the agency, they told me that they exchanged Christmas ornaments for the holidays so I said "well, forget me - I don't have a Christmas tree." Well, you'd think I tried to kill the Pope they were so dumbfounded.

After a year or so there, my boss came running up to me and said "We've hired another Jew."
Well.....Yayyy. She turned out to be ultra Orthodox and didn't last long here - but, son of a gun, she knew of Morey's family and even some of the gossip in the Orthodox community about them. Small world.

Anyway, we joined the Reform temple as it seemed so warm and welcoming and I've never regretted it. Rabbi George came to the temple about a year later - new out of school and very naive in some ways - but very earnest and searching for ways to make Judaism more present for himself and for the community. He has come a long way as have I. He goes every summer to Israel and is working on his PhD. and it shows in his discussions, classes and Torah study.

So last year I attended a couple of adult Bnai Mitzvahs' and was so touched I decided to do it myself. Silly me, I thought I'd quietly learn what I needed and then do a Saturday service with George and it would be no big deal. But the more I shared with family and friends what my plan was, the more it became a big deal. People expressed the desire, no - they demanded that they be invited. Shelley said she'd come without an invitation!! So I'm touched that so many people (it seems) care about me and my spiritual journey. And, of course, I definitely want my immediate family to share the experience with me.

And I'm still searching - so is George. I feel a deep commitment to the Jewish people, our history, our "culture" and that feeling of "belonging" I get when I'm around them. I feel an obligation to all those died for their faith - or even their lack of it - just for being Jewish. I'm part of a chain that stretches back in time and I regret that I didn't know this about myself earlier.

I find the Torah difficult, misogynist and brutal but another Rabbi at our congregation once said the "The Torah is too important to be taken literally." So we search - all of us at Torah study. What could this possibly mean for modern people? How can we interpret it in a way that is acceptable , even supportive in this time and place. No two people see it the same way - even in our relatively small group - but we are all searching for meaning and connection.

I must admit that the music is a BIG deal for me. I think my Mother must have sung the melodies of prayers all my life because I "know" them...it's like it's genetic or something. I can't really explain it.

As an addendum to "life with Mom", I have to say that there was always music in the house. Even in the years in England. We had a RADIO, which was big deal - and Mom and I knew all the words to all the songs that were the background music of our lives. (I think I've forgotten them all Carol)......but even without the radio, my Mother had grown up with Judaism being a daily event in her life from morning prayers thanking G-d for the return of life and breath to thanking G-d for everything blessing, and asking G-d's help with every hurdle. It was automatic with Mom to say "Thank G-d" or "With G-d's help" or "G-d forbid" with any appropriate statement. She also hummed and sang the prayers she grew up with as the music of her daily life....and subtley mine.

So, yes, the music is very important and I don't like it when the cantorial soloist changes the music or introduces "new" music - but I get used to it.

I'm reading Torah for my Bat Mitzvah (shared with 9 other women) and so I only do a small portion (thankfully - I don't think my aging brain could remember the whole thing like the 13 year olds do). The music of that portion sings in my brain every day - and I hope it will sing for me on THE day. But I enjoy it.

I've told my teacher and George that I don't need or want to "understand" the Hebrew. If I get words, my left brain immediately goes to arguing with the words, analyzing them, taking them apart and derailing me from that "place" I want to go which has no words.

When I took art classes, the teacher was very insistant on doing exercises that kept the left brain busy so that the right brain could express itself in the art. And that is somehow what happens with prayers. The left brain is busy reading - while the music does something else for me.

So that's my journey up to now. I find myself in an amazing and completely unexpected place
spiritually and even if it's "just aging", I'm glad to be here.