Cranky is as cranky does

And I'm feeling pretty cranky. Maybe it's just anxiety over the coming trip - maybe I'm having a hormone flare - like a sunspot! But I want to argue with everything my husband says which isn't that hard as he's a difficult person to talk to. He's been pretty cranky too so maybe it is our upcoming trip.

I often feel we are talking at cross purposes. He wants to argue with whatever I say and I want to argue with whatever he says. We've been married 53 years, so this isn't exactly new but sometimes it's worse. I think I read an author one time who called it "seasons of hate" or "why did I marry this person?"

We both get stuck in loops where we repeat our stand over and over somehow thinking that if the other person "hears" us he/she will change their mind about the stand they've taken. Several marriage counselors suggested that whichever one of us realize that we are on this feedback path should suggest we withdraw - and it's damn hard to do. It's a compulsion on both our parts - to keep on explaining - to keep on arguing - to convince the other person of our point of view.

My husband tends to go on about "You don't hear me." and I tend to go about "What part of what you said do you think I didn't hear? As I repeat it verbatim (you can do that after 15-20 repetitions.

In our early years he used to make me haul down a dictionary to I could look up the meaning of words as it was clear that words meant different things to each of us and we weren't making contact using them. Then I read a book (or two) about communication and I realized that there are meta messages in language (The Book was called "You're wearing That?"
and it was about Mother/Daughter communication - but you know what that title is saying don't you?)

My husband just about freaked when I had him read parts of that book. It wasn't bad enough that the words didn't mean the same between us, there were unspoken messages that he didn't have a clue about - and never will. That was my aha moment. He doesn't speak "meta" message! Maybe he's a guy and they don't get it - but every woman I've talked to about this understands right away. My husband moves in a one dimensional verbal world and I move in a multidimensional world. No wonder we don't communicate.

Can you love someone you can't communicate with - well, yes. You just can't communicate with someone you love - that's harder. It's also quite lonely at times.
I wish it were different - I'm so in love with the romantic novels and their soul mate view of relationships. That's just not how it works in this household. We are polar opposites - yet we love and cherish each other. Go figure.

Well, maybe it will just take another few years to work the wrinkles out of this relationship.