Am I glad I started on this Bat Mitzvah journey? Yes and No.
I had imagined myself studying Torah and learning Hebrew with a group of like minded women. I thought they'd be spiritual and we'd share our journey. I'd learn from them and they from me.
The actuality, like most of reality, does not measure up to my expectations.
The group is 9 women (once 10) and I'm the oldest. I think I've said elsewhere they they take forever to agree on anything - if they ever do. We all have different opinions, generally voice them loudly and often push and pull to get what we want.
I'm no better than the others. I wonder if I always worked this way - less teamwork, and more bossiness?
There is one, in particular, who I have written about and she continues to be an issue. No decision is too small for her to argue about it - or want to manipulate it her way. She would be a challenge for any teacher, but for ours - who is softhearted and not well organized - she is a steamroller.
I finally had an email meltdown with the teacher - it's no good yelling or trying to discuss anything with this difficult individual - she's oblivious. But the instructor has a large hand in NOT controlling the situation, letting this individual run amuck and generally not having good boundaries. She admitted this to me and went on to tell me that it was an issue with her in other areas of her life.
My first instinct - at the beginning of the class - had been to bow out. I sensed the contentiousness and rudeness (it wasn't that hard) but was convinced to stay on and now - after 18 months - we'll have a Bat Mitzvah - and it's push and pull right up to the wire.
I know that some of the problem is me - I, too, am a controlling person and think I know better on a lot of things. But I DO TRY, honestly, to consider other people and their feelings. I try to go with the flow and make personal adjustments because it seems important to the group. But, this has become an excuse to be steam rollered.
The most recent and, I hope, last issue has been the paper insert into the prayerbook which was originally merely to list our names. This individual took it upon herself to put in everyone's picture - with herself central - and, because she says she'll pay for the differance, everyone seems to be going along with it. Oh, some individuals have balked, wanted better pictures of themself, wanted to change the order to reflect the flow of service - etc. But, for the most part, since this individual is "in charge", the only changes she's made is to correct the spelling of names where it is needed.
I had hoped that it all would be settled now that we are 3 weeks from the ceremony but it's still all very much "up in the air". The choreography is still loose and "discussable" at every session. The very clothes we are going to wear has run the gamut from everyone belligerantly wanting to "do their own thing", to all wearing the same color.
I'm just going to wear what pleases me. Not in direct confrontation with the group but because I'm tired of discussing trivia.
If we had spent anywhere near this amount of time discussing reading materials, Torah or commentaries, I would have been thrilled. Instead, we have been bogged down in what to serve - bagels, or no bagels - what to sing (the old favorite melodies, or something new - where to stand or when to sit (which should all be routine). And pictures.
This is all going to cost a whole lot more than I anticipated - from the get go - new prices and fees kept popping up. The most recent is $500 for the use of the temple - where we are all members. That surprised me - maybe I'm naive, but I thought we'd be given that without a fee. It also turns out that the cantorial soloist (who is not going to be part of the ceremony) is another $300. I don't know if the rabbi will charge for his presence. What was advertised as a flat fee for the class was the temple fee, not including $40 a month for the instructor. I wonder who was going to teach the class if that hadn't been paid!!
Also, everyone (especially me) has been very excited by the prospect of my doing this. I am happy to do it - at whatever level it has ended up being. I had NOT anticipated having a dinner at a restaurant for everyone. This was supposed to be a quiet but happy occasion. I thought my kids would be there for me - I did not expect my sisters-in-law, my niece, oooold friends from Los Angeles, and half the Sonoma County Jews.
I'm being a bitch here. But I did find that events overtook me. It's all so nice that people care though and that is very special for me and I'm happy - especially as the next big event is liable to be less than wonderful.
Oh dear, I am letting it all hang out here. But then, that's what this blog is for.
Qvetching and bitching is OK someplace in my universe.
The worst of the situation is that I explored the possibility of further study with the rabbi and he was open if I could a few other people to join in - fine - guess who is also interested in continuing her studies? I don't think I can handle a continue close involvement with this individual. In fact, she has announced that she is the cantorial soloist (for a few Fridays in the summer) but it makes me not want to come to services. I, seriously, would rather go to Chabad, or Beth Ami than sit and listen as she preens and prances and does her "solo's" (she doesn't like other to join in as they throw her off).
For a while she came to my OA meetings too. She was in my Hebrew class (which I took to improve my very slender grasp of Hebrew - she was taking it for the third time). I notice that she no longer comes to my meetings - and I don't care where she does go as long as I can meet with the women I've been meeting with for years.
I've tried praying for her - as OA recommends. I've tried seeing her point of view.
But, of course, nothing changes HER.
Maybe I should entitled this - "Don't read."
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