As the World Turns

Today is my birthday - my 73rd to be precise.

It seems I ought to have some wisdom to impart or some thoughts to share but mostly what I feel is a sadness for how quickly time passes.

Yesterday I took Dahlia to a play area where, among the choices of things to do, was a music area and they were playing "Puff, the Magic Dragon" for the kids. Unexpectedly, I started to cry. What was there about that song that suddenly made me so sad? I had always felt sorry for Puff when "Little Jackie Paper" got too old to go play with him. But here I was, too old to play with my grandchild - time had passed ME by.

I remember singing that song to my kids - little kids - and not so long ago. Somehow, I never thought of MY aging - just the kids growing up and moving on. But yesterday, I cried for me. I cried because I don't want to be this old lady - I want to be the busy, young matron with young kids to ferry around, the lady with boundless energy, and busy hands. I want to trip lightly down the stairs and dance the hora at weddings. I had not planned on being an old lady.

Not, you understand, that I want to die. I just don't want to age. I've fought it - denied it - and tried to be graceful about accepting it. But here and now, I'm not accepting it, I'm not gracefully aging, and I'm scared to be an old lady.

I'm like my Mom - I HATE using a cane, I HATE depending on a walker. Doesn't everyone? All those years of nursing, how did those patients feel about the various devices they were forced to use to function? Did I assume they chose that way of life? Did I think they were happy campers not to be able to take care of themselves? Did I think at all?

Here I thought I was a sensitive and caring nurse attuned to my patients feelings.
And all the time I was - what? oblivious? insensitive?

Is that what happens to people? A useful ignorance - an obliging amnesia.

Oh, I argue with myself. It's better to be alive than not. I'm lucky to have made it this far. Look at all the people older than myself who are not complaining - like it would do them any good to complain. No-one likes a whiner. No-one - especially young people like to hear and be reminded of the facts of aging (never mind that they don't believe they actually will - age that is.) Look at all the Baby Boomers who are trying to pretend they aren't going to age like their parents and grandparents. How different are they from me? Not.......

OK, I get it. It's reality. Change is what happens while you aren't looking - and even if you are. So it's pointless to blather on about how I don't like it - how I'm scared about the future and counting the potential years - will I live long enough to see Mia graduate from college? Or Micah get Bar Mitzvah'd. Hell, will I make it to breakfast tomorrow?

But, for right now, it's Happy Birthday (and be glad you have one).