Just can't sleep tonight. Two pills and I'm still wide awake. Darn it. I was falling asleep watching TV - why am I awake now? My mind isn't racing; I'm not aggravated; didn't watch something exciting..........hmm I'm re-reading a book that is pretty intense. It's my second reading of it since I need to refresh my mind before the book club meeting. But I don't remember much except general outlines of the story.
I probably shouldn't be reading it until the week before the book club or I'll forget again.
Was I always this way? I've always read a lot and made no effort to memorize books unless they were going to be on a test. But as I age, I find I can re-read the same book several times and not remember who does what - or if I remember who did what, I don't remember the outcome. I guess I can just re-read the books I have then and not keep buying new books...........like that's going to happen.
The book is called "People of the Book" and it's a well written story of a Jewish Haggadah which was written in the 1600's and you follow the history of the book by virtue of stains, tears, and oddments in the cracks and crevices of the book acquired over the years and through the book's travels.
Naturally, there are plenty of disasters. To follow the history of a Jewish book means you follow the Jewish people from one disaster to another. But it is well written and you learn something of history as you read. I like the "speaker" who is a restorer of old documents - a young woman - and you learn a lot about the whole subject of historical restoration or preservation. She, the storyteller, is a quirky and complex individual and that makes her more interesting too.
I've read several books by this writer and she is good. She manages to write books that come from different perspectives and are well researched. Her husband writes too, but he's more of a raconteur given to humor or personal insights on situations.
I did like his book on reconstructing the voyages of Captain Cook, although he went astray at some point into drinking binges with his buddy rather than staying on the Captain Cook theme. One got the feeling he got bored with the Captain and lost the thread of what he was doing.
Maybe it is the story of the haggadah which got me upset. The first story is about Sarajevo where the book was seen most recently and so there is the Moslem/Serbian
outrage around it and then it slips backward into World War II. Both violent, cruel
and genocidal. Hard not to care deeply about the children mostly - the young people whose lives are endangered or destroyed by those events.
Still, I always appreciate the involvement that a good book offers. The opportunity to sit safely at home and read about the privation and suffering of others. How selfish that sounds.
But, it is one of the things that scares me. The brutal fact that at no time, and in no place is it safe to be Jewish. That other people are as brutalized as we are h istorically doesn't make me feel any better about it. The world is a harsh place for people without power.
It makes me wonder what G-d is thinking. Or whether there is a G-d who cares. I'm inclined to think not - that whatever intelligence is out there and responsible for the universe is not one that "cares" in human terms and over human lifetimes. Maybe over geologic time...........or maybe not even that.
It always makes me think of the Star Trek episode where they try out different definitions of G-d. Is He/She an immature child who creates the earth and all on it as a toy? a plaything? Has He/She created the earth and everything on it and set it in motion and He/She will be back in a few million years to see what happens? Are we then an experiement that G-d tried to instruct historically, but has given up on?
Goes to show, it's a big mistake to try and understand the mind of G-d. As I said before, any G-d I could imagine or define, is way too small. I prefer the electricity concept. G-d is always there, if we chose to "plug"into Him/Her. But the action has to come from us.
That's not very satisfying either. I always say in my OA meetings, that you just have to pray and not worry about who is listening. And that's where I have to leave my philosophizing about G-d.
My Bat Mitzvah is more of a commitment to being Jewish and connected to that history and people than a belief in G-d - even the rabbi has said that you can pray whether or not you believe. It does serve me well at this point in my life.
I wish I could have given my children a better feeling about being Jewish. I say in my Bat Mitzvah speech that my Mom taught me about being Jewish as a blessing, not a curse - but did she? She believed in G-d, she habitually called on G-d to help, to protect ....but we never "discussed" G-d. She observed the High Holy Days because it was unthinkable not to - or Shabbat - even when it was dangerous to do. But belief.......I don't know. And Uncle Sid - he bought me the comic book with all the "Old Testament" stories in it. That's where I learned about them. It was my Sunday school. Living with Mom was my education in things Jewish - it was so intrinsic to her nature - but discuss G-d, I don't think so.
Should have labeled this rambling differently. But it's where I need it to be I guess.
Shabbat Shalom
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