Last night was the get together of my Bnai Mitzvah class to wrap up the loose ends and pay off anyone who had paid out money and needed reimbursement.
I had dreaded it. One more dose of Madame X - I thought.
Instead it was a pleasant evening - a pot luck dinner. We chatted and talked - we ate well.
I learned things I hadn't known about some of them and noticed that the things that drove me nuts were still there - although Madame X was strangely silent.
For one thing most of these women are the age of my daughters. They have young families and at least half of them know each other and their children from Hebrew school. So there is lots of talk about the kids, what they are doing or not doing, how the teachers are, what changes are occurring in the school, etc. etc.
Most of them work as well - many in demanding careers. A chiropractor; a lawyer who teaches law; a couple of teachers; a professor at the university. ..I am the ONLY retiree.
They also are very rude - as many younger people are today (and maybe always were). They cut each other off; finish each others sentances; over-ride a speaker; chatter endlessly about subject that SOME of us know nothing about (and so cut us out altogether); they also don't respect age! What a blow since I'm the oldest. They also exist in a world I'm no longer much of a participant in. I don't care what the latest clothes are; I don't know the latest music; I buy wine that's on sale and care little or nothing about labels; my house is as good as it's ever going to be and I have no plans to remodel, buy new furniture, re-landscape or move up.
I do care about politics - but that never came up - EVER. Which tells you something about them, because my daughter and I love to talk politics and worry about what's going to happen next politically.
They were this way from the beginning and I wanted to drop out because of it. But, the teacher told me I had to tell the class why - if I did and me, being a good little girl, bought it. When I told them about this last night, one of them said - aghast - But that's blackmail and she had no right to do that to you. (Never occured to me - she was the TEACHER). Another who had dropped out of the class said "She tried that on me and I just said NO." (Never occurred to me either).
Park of what we had to do was write an evaluation of the instructor and we were merciless.
She is a therapist - NOT an instructor - but she has been teaching this class for several years - and indeed, started the program. When I spoke to other people in her earlier classes, they said she had always been this way. Totally, disorganized; changing her mind from week to week as to what the plan of study should be; "forgetting" from week to week what she had decided. Making assignments and not following up. Not making sure each person KNEW each prayer in the service, and not just the ones they were responsible for. And on and on.
When I was in Berlin, there had been a substitute teacher and they raved about how SHE was a good teacher and none of the problems we had would have occurred with her. Maybe they were right.
Some people had no idea how frustrated the others were with the teacher. I had been having people come to me and ask me to go to the temple administrators, or confront the teacher about the problems. And I had done both. Which is why, for the first time, the temple is asking for an evaluation from the students. But, it seems, they have known for some time about her ineptitude but took pity on her and didn't want to hurt her feelings but............it was OK to take our money and let us hang out to dry with her. But some people in the class had not realized that others felt the same way they did - until now.
I'm sure the temple administration will be hearing more about that NOW.
I'm sure that most of the problems with Madame X occurred because everyone was waiting for the teacher to rein her in and set limits and it never happened - at least not until the very last few weeks when it had gone on waaaay too long and I was about to lose my mind. I was one of three people who spoke up - and I kept speaking up about the abuses Madame X tried to inflict on us. Not that they were bad - they were just her megalomania.
Anyway, bottom line - SHE AND I HUGGED AT THE END....I told her I was sorry about the conflict that had occurred (but I'm not sorry I stopped her whenever I could)....she said "it's all water under the bridge" or some such thing. Which is fine. As long as we aren't on any committee or project together, I'm sure we can be civil from now on. And she can sing as much as she wants as long as I have ear plugs to protect me.
And, I'm glad I hung in there. Definitely a milestone for me.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Marriage and Mayhem
Tell me again what is so wonderful about marriage.
I've been married a long time, and to the same man but periodically we go through seasons of hate.
He can't do anything right for me - and I can't do anything right for him.
Of course, h e's always right. I'm the one who is totally confused and unsympathetic to his point of view.
He is, I'm quite sure, becoming senile. Conveniently forgetting what doesn't suit h is view of the world and strangely enough, I'm usually the villain.
Sometimes it's hard to remember why I got into this and why I've stayed for years and years and years.
Sex was part of it, but that's long since a memory.
Compatability? Were we ever compatible? Did we ever share interests, have similar points of view? Agree on bloody anything?
We are as diffierent as day and night. People look at us in bewilderment because we are so different. Maybe that was the appeal. I used to explain it by complimentarity. He completes me, I'd say in my best Freudian voice. I complete him, I'd say hopefully. Whatever.
Another day, another fight, another "misunderstanding" based on completely different views of events. I'm considering planting a camera someplace so we can play back events because I truly become bewildered by his view of "what happened". Did I really do that? Did I ever say that?
It doesn't even sound like me. I'm sure he views things the same way - probably the only thing we do agree on - that the other person is totally nuts.
I do know I deluded myself for years that he would change. I also know that I DID change. I've done a ton of self work. Any sanity I have (and it's not much if you listen to him) comes from years of therapy, self analysis, self help books, and introspection. None of which is his metier.
Never, and I repeat, NEVER marry an engineer. They may be good at fixing things, but they have little clue as to any layer deeper than sex. Socially they are not only disastrous but they don't improve. Emotionally, they are not only dense, but they think they are right.
My husband wears hearing aids which help but do not improve his hearing significantly. Yet, he will fight to the death over a nuance of my speech, or my choice of words - most of which he didn't hear, and none of which he comprehended. And don't get me started on meta messages.
He doesn't hear or "get" overt messages - or worse, totally misinterprets them according to his very limited understanding of human relations, let alone the nuances of meta messages.
Can you tell I'm mad?
Best to blow off steam in an innocuous blog, which few people read, rather than sizzle in his direction. Not likely to induce understanding, or comprehension.
I'm inclined to think that men and women should just get together to fornicate and then move on. Finding your soul mate is an illusion of fiction - and damn those writers for promulgating that illusion. If my soul mate exists out there, he's probably reading the baseball scores, or fly fishing in the Andes.
I've been married a long time, and to the same man but periodically we go through seasons of hate.
He can't do anything right for me - and I can't do anything right for him.
Of course, h e's always right. I'm the one who is totally confused and unsympathetic to his point of view.
He is, I'm quite sure, becoming senile. Conveniently forgetting what doesn't suit h is view of the world and strangely enough, I'm usually the villain.
Sometimes it's hard to remember why I got into this and why I've stayed for years and years and years.
Sex was part of it, but that's long since a memory.
Compatability? Were we ever compatible? Did we ever share interests, have similar points of view? Agree on bloody anything?
We are as diffierent as day and night. People look at us in bewilderment because we are so different. Maybe that was the appeal. I used to explain it by complimentarity. He completes me, I'd say in my best Freudian voice. I complete him, I'd say hopefully. Whatever.
Another day, another fight, another "misunderstanding" based on completely different views of events. I'm considering planting a camera someplace so we can play back events because I truly become bewildered by his view of "what happened". Did I really do that? Did I ever say that?
It doesn't even sound like me. I'm sure he views things the same way - probably the only thing we do agree on - that the other person is totally nuts.
I do know I deluded myself for years that he would change. I also know that I DID change. I've done a ton of self work. Any sanity I have (and it's not much if you listen to him) comes from years of therapy, self analysis, self help books, and introspection. None of which is his metier.
Never, and I repeat, NEVER marry an engineer. They may be good at fixing things, but they have little clue as to any layer deeper than sex. Socially they are not only disastrous but they don't improve. Emotionally, they are not only dense, but they think they are right.
My husband wears hearing aids which help but do not improve his hearing significantly. Yet, he will fight to the death over a nuance of my speech, or my choice of words - most of which he didn't hear, and none of which he comprehended. And don't get me started on meta messages.
He doesn't hear or "get" overt messages - or worse, totally misinterprets them according to his very limited understanding of human relations, let alone the nuances of meta messages.
Can you tell I'm mad?
Best to blow off steam in an innocuous blog, which few people read, rather than sizzle in his direction. Not likely to induce understanding, or comprehension.
I'm inclined to think that men and women should just get together to fornicate and then move on. Finding your soul mate is an illusion of fiction - and damn those writers for promulgating that illusion. If my soul mate exists out there, he's probably reading the baseball scores, or fly fishing in the Andes.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Moslem mania
I realized today that I am anti-Moslem and I don't like that about myself.
Actually, I realized that I'm paranoid about many religions. Christians as well as Moslems have a bleak history of anti-semitism and since I'm Jewish I feel vulnerable and frightened.
Of course, I've always felt that way - but I've read a lot of history and there is a lot of justification for how I feel.
It's just that I also have values of ethical and moral behaviour and that includes NOT treating other people badly because they are different from me; not supporting programs, laws or attitudes that ostracize or punish people by group, rather than individual transgressors and not using the bad behaviour of some people (however bad it is) to condemn everyone of that race, religion or nationality.
Fine words - but, I do. I'm angry at Christians and Catholics (I know, I know, they are all Christians) for their violence in word and action against Jews since the Middle Ages and probably before. The Catholic Church came out - under Pope John - with some rules that stated that anti-semitism was a sin, that blaming the Jews for the death of Jesus was a sin etc. etc.
But I don't think that cut any ice with a large segment of the Catholic community. Certainly the Orthodox segment of Christianity doesn't feel any obligation to support a liberal attitude toward the Jews.
Protestant/Lutheran ministers railed against the Jews from the pulpit long before Hitler became Chancellor. They certainly didn't stop when his program to annihilate the Jews was set into motion and many today add Moslems to their litany and continue to preach violence, hate and
isolation - if not death for all not of their ilk.
The Moslems, if anything, were the most liberal of the major religions for many years and lived in relative harmony with other groups when they were in power ( I say relative harmony because it wasn't all peaches and cream) - but that wasn't the modern fundamentalist. That group doesn't live in harmony with anyone - not even other Moslems.
One only has to look at the infighting between the Sunni and Shiite to see Moslems killing other Moslems although there is a strong political flavor to it in Iraq. Still, one has to wonder just how strong are these fundamentalists? They certainly grab the headlines with their violence and intransigence - and I'm not even talking about the Middle East , which in my opinion is a disaster area whether it's Afghanistan or Iran, Iraq or Syria.
There is a rising tide of anti-Moslem sentiment in this country since 9/11 and I find myself riding on that tide. I found myself thinking of all the reasons NOT to build a mosque in New York City near the site of the twin towers. Most of those reasons were not in line with the freedom of religion which I so proudly waved from the beema during my Bat Mitzvah. I love this country with it's history of assimilation, or at least tolerance. But there has always been a strain of those who hate - hate the Jews, hate the Mormons, hate black people, and now hate the Moslems and I don't want to be in that herd.
It would be helpful if the Moslems met us half way. Do they respect the customs of other countries in which they have taken refuge? I'm thinking of France here with the fight over wearing headscarves...........or England, with the insistance of not teaching Holocaust material because it offends them (the Moslems) - although I'm not sure that is a fact or a rumour circulating through the Internet. Certainly France and the Netherlands have had trouble with Moslem youth - and are being overwhelmed by this minority which is becoming a huge segment of the population.
Some of the slack being cut the Moslems in these countries is a reaction to the restrictions for the Jews that fed them to the concentration camps. Not that they like the Jews but guilt makes them more tolerant of minorities in their midst now - until the minorities push too hard. And their minorities are pushing hard.
I wouldn't like it either - I was offended by the flocks of black shrouded women in the streets of London. I dislike the pictures of veiled - to the point of blindness - of chador shrouded women in the Middle East. I HATE the restrictions against women and the mistreatment of women in many Moslem countries. I guess that's part of the reason I'm so uncomfortable with Moslems
- the fact that I know how they treat their own people in many countries - and how they treat their women in many countries.
Are there parallels with fundamentalist Jews - you betcha. And I hate them too.
So here I am - not as I think I am, a tolerant, accepting person. But a radical anti - a lot of things
I don't agree with.
I studied anthropology - in fact have a degree in it - and some of the basic rules are not to judge other people's customs or behaviour by your own. To respect the individuality of cultures and peoples and to try and understand their customs and religion. So where did all that go?
Oh I guess it's still there - in theory - but, in fact ----it's hard to live with other cultures side by side. Attitudes harden with age - even good ones (see I can't let go of the fact that MY attitudes are good ones). It's hard to look at female circumcision, for example, and be neutral about it.
It's a custom, convention of another society and in theory, they are entitled to do it. Male circumcision is still practiced by Jews and others and that's OK - right? But female circumcision
is vile, detestable and immoral (according to MY morality).
Oh what a tangled mess is my cultural, religious and ethnic bigotry. My way IS the best way.
Can't they see that? Why won't they come into the 21st century and be like me? And why do they have to build a mosque so close to the 9/11 site? Freedom of religion doesn't preclude sensitivity to the feelings of others - does it?
Is freedom of religion only good as long as it doesn't butt up against my feelings?
Actually, I realized that I'm paranoid about many religions. Christians as well as Moslems have a bleak history of anti-semitism and since I'm Jewish I feel vulnerable and frightened.
Of course, I've always felt that way - but I've read a lot of history and there is a lot of justification for how I feel.
It's just that I also have values of ethical and moral behaviour and that includes NOT treating other people badly because they are different from me; not supporting programs, laws or attitudes that ostracize or punish people by group, rather than individual transgressors and not using the bad behaviour of some people (however bad it is) to condemn everyone of that race, religion or nationality.
Fine words - but, I do. I'm angry at Christians and Catholics (I know, I know, they are all Christians) for their violence in word and action against Jews since the Middle Ages and probably before. The Catholic Church came out - under Pope John - with some rules that stated that anti-semitism was a sin, that blaming the Jews for the death of Jesus was a sin etc. etc.
But I don't think that cut any ice with a large segment of the Catholic community. Certainly the Orthodox segment of Christianity doesn't feel any obligation to support a liberal attitude toward the Jews.
Protestant/Lutheran ministers railed against the Jews from the pulpit long before Hitler became Chancellor. They certainly didn't stop when his program to annihilate the Jews was set into motion and many today add Moslems to their litany and continue to preach violence, hate and
isolation - if not death for all not of their ilk.
The Moslems, if anything, were the most liberal of the major religions for many years and lived in relative harmony with other groups when they were in power ( I say relative harmony because it wasn't all peaches and cream) - but that wasn't the modern fundamentalist. That group doesn't live in harmony with anyone - not even other Moslems.
One only has to look at the infighting between the Sunni and Shiite to see Moslems killing other Moslems although there is a strong political flavor to it in Iraq. Still, one has to wonder just how strong are these fundamentalists? They certainly grab the headlines with their violence and intransigence - and I'm not even talking about the Middle East , which in my opinion is a disaster area whether it's Afghanistan or Iran, Iraq or Syria.
There is a rising tide of anti-Moslem sentiment in this country since 9/11 and I find myself riding on that tide. I found myself thinking of all the reasons NOT to build a mosque in New York City near the site of the twin towers. Most of those reasons were not in line with the freedom of religion which I so proudly waved from the beema during my Bat Mitzvah. I love this country with it's history of assimilation, or at least tolerance. But there has always been a strain of those who hate - hate the Jews, hate the Mormons, hate black people, and now hate the Moslems and I don't want to be in that herd.
It would be helpful if the Moslems met us half way. Do they respect the customs of other countries in which they have taken refuge? I'm thinking of France here with the fight over wearing headscarves...........or England, with the insistance of not teaching Holocaust material because it offends them (the Moslems) - although I'm not sure that is a fact or a rumour circulating through the Internet. Certainly France and the Netherlands have had trouble with Moslem youth - and are being overwhelmed by this minority which is becoming a huge segment of the population.
Some of the slack being cut the Moslems in these countries is a reaction to the restrictions for the Jews that fed them to the concentration camps. Not that they like the Jews but guilt makes them more tolerant of minorities in their midst now - until the minorities push too hard. And their minorities are pushing hard.
I wouldn't like it either - I was offended by the flocks of black shrouded women in the streets of London. I dislike the pictures of veiled - to the point of blindness - of chador shrouded women in the Middle East. I HATE the restrictions against women and the mistreatment of women in many Moslem countries. I guess that's part of the reason I'm so uncomfortable with Moslems
- the fact that I know how they treat their own people in many countries - and how they treat their women in many countries.
Are there parallels with fundamentalist Jews - you betcha. And I hate them too.
So here I am - not as I think I am, a tolerant, accepting person. But a radical anti - a lot of things
I don't agree with.
I studied anthropology - in fact have a degree in it - and some of the basic rules are not to judge other people's customs or behaviour by your own. To respect the individuality of cultures and peoples and to try and understand their customs and religion. So where did all that go?
Oh I guess it's still there - in theory - but, in fact ----it's hard to live with other cultures side by side. Attitudes harden with age - even good ones (see I can't let go of the fact that MY attitudes are good ones). It's hard to look at female circumcision, for example, and be neutral about it.
It's a custom, convention of another society and in theory, they are entitled to do it. Male circumcision is still practiced by Jews and others and that's OK - right? But female circumcision
is vile, detestable and immoral (according to MY morality).
Oh what a tangled mess is my cultural, religious and ethnic bigotry. My way IS the best way.
Can't they see that? Why won't they come into the 21st century and be like me? And why do they have to build a mosque so close to the 9/11 site? Freedom of religion doesn't preclude sensitivity to the feelings of others - does it?
Is freedom of religion only good as long as it doesn't butt up against my feelings?
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The dust hasn't settled
Last weekend was the Bat Mitzvah - long awaited, studied for and feared. In spite of all my anxieties and mishugas, it went well. It went more than well - it was wonderful.
The service went smoothly - no major blunders or gaffe's. Everyone knew their parts (well, except Madame X, my nemesis - who lost her place in reading the Torah).
There were lots of people there from my family and friends to people at the temple who know me and supported me. Afterwards, even people I didn't know well came up to me and told me how moved they were by my speech and my dedication. It made me feel just great.
Some of us wore white - but I could have got away with wearing the cream outfit, or black pants as several people wore black pants or skirt. Only two of us wore all white. My maroon tallis kind of kept that from being too glaring though. Madame X wore a grey suit!
The luncheon was nice, plenty of food. The change about to tables and chairs from congregation seating worked well. The aliyahs went well, no-one fell down or knocked someone else down. The party that night went well - some things I would have changed if I had known but overall fine.
What a relief that it was over and I could think of what I wanted to do next in terms of my Jewish journey and education. The High Holy Days are coming up and I was asked to speak during an afternoon session of "Jewish Journeys" so I can prepare for that. It shouldn't be too hard as my Bat Mitzvah speech will give me some useful
bits to fit in. I just hope Madame X doesn't find out that I'm doing this though as she might try to sabotage me.
The group of women involved in the Bat Mitzvah are getting together in two weeks to finish up business and pay off any unexpected expenses. This involved a few emails back and forth to decide on the best day to do it.
I came home today and heard a very upset member of the class ranting on my answer machine about some email from Madame X but since I couldn't find it on my computer, I thought it was an old email - or that my computer had successfully blocked it. But no - I was not to be spared. This evening when I checked my emails, there it was. Another email demanding apologies from me and saying that my emails had "left a bad taste in her mouth". Would that it were poisen.
I emailed back that no, I would not be apologizing again for a slur I had made about her "performance" one Friday night when she and her friend were doing the musical portion of the service. I had apologized in class the same day it happened saying I should not have brought it up as it wasn't relevant. (It really was, but ....)
I told her that if her friend had any issues with me, it was up to her friend to tell me and she need not act as her friend's intermediary. And I told her not to contact me any more.
I'm beginning to feel hounded and wondering if I can get an injunctiona against her to stay out of my computer, my phone and my life!!
We still have this one resolution meeting - which I probably haven't heard the last of.
I'm wondering if I'm going to have to leave the temple. I'd hate to do it, but it's giving me an ulcer to have to see her at the services and study groups. She has styled herself as "cantorial soloist" this summer so I haven't gone to Friday night services which is OK as I prefer Saturday morning anyway. But if she's going to push her way into the running of services as she tried to with the class - I don't think I can handle it.
The instructor of the class is obviously afraid of her and has said so to me. She admits that she, the instructor, was slow to catch onto what Madame X was trying to do and eventually tried to modify her behaviour which helped, but did not fix the problems begun early in the class. Right up to the Friday before the Saturday Bat Mitzvah, Madame X was writing emails saying the SHE would be holding the microphone when we sang and we should wait for her to give us the "key" (which in her case is cat screech high). The instructor wrote back that she should avoid the appearance of being the "leader" of the group as we were doing this AS a group - finally a boundary.
The instructor had also written that since this was a Saturday service, no-one was a "soloist", but some would be holding the microphone while others joined in. That frosted Madame X's cheese as she had begged to sing solo - all 5-6 of her prayers. I had written the instructor and told her that I would sing along - quietly - but I would sing. It's what I would do if I were in the congregation and I would do no less at my own Bat Mitzvah.
And so it goes on.
Several people in the class have said to me that they realized that one of the things they learned was that they would stand up for what they believed in - the class had tested them in that way. That was, for sure, true for me. Plus I don't think the others have been treated to the vitriolic emails I have. But I had not expected to continue being "tested" in this way.
I wish I could just let it roll over me. But here I am sleepless, churning stomach and slight headache. My thoughts are stuck on repeating "I said" and "she said" dialogs. And wishing I had said this or that - which would probably have gotten me in deep doo doo. Deeper even than now.
I no longer wish I had dropped out early on - it was too satisfying to have completed it. But I wish it could have been different without me rolling over and playing dead.
Oh well, the beat goes on................................
The service went smoothly - no major blunders or gaffe's. Everyone knew their parts (well, except Madame X, my nemesis - who lost her place in reading the Torah).
There were lots of people there from my family and friends to people at the temple who know me and supported me. Afterwards, even people I didn't know well came up to me and told me how moved they were by my speech and my dedication. It made me feel just great.
Some of us wore white - but I could have got away with wearing the cream outfit, or black pants as several people wore black pants or skirt. Only two of us wore all white. My maroon tallis kind of kept that from being too glaring though. Madame X wore a grey suit!
The luncheon was nice, plenty of food. The change about to tables and chairs from congregation seating worked well. The aliyahs went well, no-one fell down or knocked someone else down. The party that night went well - some things I would have changed if I had known but overall fine.
What a relief that it was over and I could think of what I wanted to do next in terms of my Jewish journey and education. The High Holy Days are coming up and I was asked to speak during an afternoon session of "Jewish Journeys" so I can prepare for that. It shouldn't be too hard as my Bat Mitzvah speech will give me some useful
bits to fit in. I just hope Madame X doesn't find out that I'm doing this though as she might try to sabotage me.
The group of women involved in the Bat Mitzvah are getting together in two weeks to finish up business and pay off any unexpected expenses. This involved a few emails back and forth to decide on the best day to do it.
I came home today and heard a very upset member of the class ranting on my answer machine about some email from Madame X but since I couldn't find it on my computer, I thought it was an old email - or that my computer had successfully blocked it. But no - I was not to be spared. This evening when I checked my emails, there it was. Another email demanding apologies from me and saying that my emails had "left a bad taste in her mouth". Would that it were poisen.
I emailed back that no, I would not be apologizing again for a slur I had made about her "performance" one Friday night when she and her friend were doing the musical portion of the service. I had apologized in class the same day it happened saying I should not have brought it up as it wasn't relevant. (It really was, but ....)
I told her that if her friend had any issues with me, it was up to her friend to tell me and she need not act as her friend's intermediary. And I told her not to contact me any more.
I'm beginning to feel hounded and wondering if I can get an injunctiona against her to stay out of my computer, my phone and my life!!
We still have this one resolution meeting - which I probably haven't heard the last of.
I'm wondering if I'm going to have to leave the temple. I'd hate to do it, but it's giving me an ulcer to have to see her at the services and study groups. She has styled herself as "cantorial soloist" this summer so I haven't gone to Friday night services which is OK as I prefer Saturday morning anyway. But if she's going to push her way into the running of services as she tried to with the class - I don't think I can handle it.
The instructor of the class is obviously afraid of her and has said so to me. She admits that she, the instructor, was slow to catch onto what Madame X was trying to do and eventually tried to modify her behaviour which helped, but did not fix the problems begun early in the class. Right up to the Friday before the Saturday Bat Mitzvah, Madame X was writing emails saying the SHE would be holding the microphone when we sang and we should wait for her to give us the "key" (which in her case is cat screech high). The instructor wrote back that she should avoid the appearance of being the "leader" of the group as we were doing this AS a group - finally a boundary.
The instructor had also written that since this was a Saturday service, no-one was a "soloist", but some would be holding the microphone while others joined in. That frosted Madame X's cheese as she had begged to sing solo - all 5-6 of her prayers. I had written the instructor and told her that I would sing along - quietly - but I would sing. It's what I would do if I were in the congregation and I would do no less at my own Bat Mitzvah.
And so it goes on.
Several people in the class have said to me that they realized that one of the things they learned was that they would stand up for what they believed in - the class had tested them in that way. That was, for sure, true for me. Plus I don't think the others have been treated to the vitriolic emails I have. But I had not expected to continue being "tested" in this way.
I wish I could just let it roll over me. But here I am sleepless, churning stomach and slight headache. My thoughts are stuck on repeating "I said" and "she said" dialogs. And wishing I had said this or that - which would probably have gotten me in deep doo doo. Deeper even than now.
I no longer wish I had dropped out early on - it was too satisfying to have completed it. But I wish it could have been different without me rolling over and playing dead.
Oh well, the beat goes on................................
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Blabbermouth
I don't know what it is in me, but whatever I'm thinking or feeling comes right out of my mouth. I've always been this way. My Mother used to yell and me and smack me for "telling family secrets"....like I knew what they were. People on buses with me knew everything about me and my husband said that when I was in line for a movie, I left knowing everyone's means of birth control..In school I was always sharing - I thought - what I was doing and what my interests were which essentially was gossip. Only to find out that others felt that was too intrusive. And now, I seem to be doing it to my kids.
I write about my anxieties, fears. I try to fix problems. I worry over events and
incidents, relationships. I think I'm probably a pain in the neck to my youngest daughter - and she's right. I'm always stepping on her toes, it would seem - or revealing things that she wants to keep personal.
If someone tells me that what we are talking about is secret - I do honor that. But often, I'm just thinking about whatever situation is occurring and it just runs out of my mouth.
Even here, where there are few readers and I'm mostly writing to relieve my own tensions and anxieties - I must remember there ARE readers.
I guess this is a form of apology or explanation to those of my readers who might be affected by my behaviour. I wish I understood it better.
I do know that some of it is "currency of communication".....my Mother may have condemned me for talking to much but she and my Aunt Helen traded family "secrets", personal information about me
and general gossip as a constant flow of exchange. Everyone in my Mother's circle knew when I got my period, what my grades were, what my interests were and what boys I liked....there were no boundaries within the family. But I think I took it farther. Sharing all this stuff is a way of creating bonds, giving and taking in relationships - the problem being that the people I talk about may have other ideas
about sharing their personal information.
I always think of village life - where my Mom came from. No books, movies, TV, newspapers or magazines. What else was there to talk about and entertain onself with? There were no secrets no matter how hard people tried to have private lives.
I think people's interest in the personal life of movie stars and "public" figures is an extension of that "schetl" life. We are interested in each other - we bond via sharing information. But at the same time, I remember my Mother trying to keep SOME information private. But soap operas are there for a reason and I think the reason stems from our social history as human beings.
I guess I'm looking for excuses. But I notice that others do this - it's the currency of conversation in my Chavurah and I'm at a disadvantage because I don't even know the people they talk about. But they do talk....a lot about other people.
How they know who is getting married, divorced, or pregnant I don't know they get this information but they do.
So cut me some slack here. If it's a secret - say so....if you don't want people to know something - don't tell me. I may feel cut out - but at least I don't feel like
I'm a terrible person for talking.
I'm a talker. I belong to at least three groups whose sole purpose is talking - mostly about ourselves and what's happening in our lives. It's very helpful for me to be able to do this and get feedback on things that disturb or upset me. I get a lot of insight that comes from being very open in these groups. And I'm thinking of getting into a current events group so I can share my feelings and thoughts about what's happening in the world. AND, I really do want to hear what other people are thinking even if I disagree with them.
Still, I'm also trying to pay attention to when I USE the information I have in a way that is not healthy. In trying to give myself more importance, or trying to be entertaining......it's not a fair exchange at that point.
OK, I've rambled enough - and if there is something to be learned here - I'll have to t hink on it. Just bear with me - I'm only human and a talker!
I write about my anxieties, fears. I try to fix problems. I worry over events and
incidents, relationships. I think I'm probably a pain in the neck to my youngest daughter - and she's right. I'm always stepping on her toes, it would seem - or revealing things that she wants to keep personal.
If someone tells me that what we are talking about is secret - I do honor that. But often, I'm just thinking about whatever situation is occurring and it just runs out of my mouth.
Even here, where there are few readers and I'm mostly writing to relieve my own tensions and anxieties - I must remember there ARE readers.
I guess this is a form of apology or explanation to those of my readers who might be affected by my behaviour. I wish I understood it better.
I do know that some of it is "currency of communication".....my Mother may have condemned me for talking to much but she and my Aunt Helen traded family "secrets", personal information about me
and general gossip as a constant flow of exchange. Everyone in my Mother's circle knew when I got my period, what my grades were, what my interests were and what boys I liked....there were no boundaries within the family. But I think I took it farther. Sharing all this stuff is a way of creating bonds, giving and taking in relationships - the problem being that the people I talk about may have other ideas
about sharing their personal information.
I always think of village life - where my Mom came from. No books, movies, TV, newspapers or magazines. What else was there to talk about and entertain onself with? There were no secrets no matter how hard people tried to have private lives.
I think people's interest in the personal life of movie stars and "public" figures is an extension of that "schetl" life. We are interested in each other - we bond via sharing information. But at the same time, I remember my Mother trying to keep SOME information private. But soap operas are there for a reason and I think the reason stems from our social history as human beings.
I guess I'm looking for excuses. But I notice that others do this - it's the currency of conversation in my Chavurah and I'm at a disadvantage because I don't even know the people they talk about. But they do talk....a lot about other people.
How they know who is getting married, divorced, or pregnant I don't know they get this information but they do.
So cut me some slack here. If it's a secret - say so....if you don't want people to know something - don't tell me. I may feel cut out - but at least I don't feel like
I'm a terrible person for talking.
I'm a talker. I belong to at least three groups whose sole purpose is talking - mostly about ourselves and what's happening in our lives. It's very helpful for me to be able to do this and get feedback on things that disturb or upset me. I get a lot of insight that comes from being very open in these groups. And I'm thinking of getting into a current events group so I can share my feelings and thoughts about what's happening in the world. AND, I really do want to hear what other people are thinking even if I disagree with them.
Still, I'm also trying to pay attention to when I USE the information I have in a way that is not healthy. In trying to give myself more importance, or trying to be entertaining......it's not a fair exchange at that point.
OK, I've rambled enough - and if there is something to be learned here - I'll have to t hink on it. Just bear with me - I'm only human and a talker!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
and on and on
Well, it's not over until the fat lady sings - or splits a gut!!
The nemisis WENT AHEAD AND INSTRUCTED A GUITAR PLAYER TO SHOW UP.....this in spite of the fact that the instructor said no, it's too late in the game.
She, nemisis, sent an email saying that "the class" had decided on a guitar player and she had arranged for him to show up tonight. I answered, of course, I wasn't in the class when that was decided and I wasn't going to pay for it. Plus, it's too late in the game to add him.
Well, boy did I get an email back. Vitriol on the half shell. Reviewing and rehashing all our conflicts she has decided that I'm a dependably negative person.
Overlooking of course, that that means I don't want to go along with her decisions about MY class. She pointed out that since I'm not singing anything, I don't have any say about the guitarist.
I answered - probably shouldn't have - as reasonably and not too sarcastically (I thought) that I don't have any singing parts because she grabbed them all - and besides I like to sing with others, not solo (which she insists she should do) but Morey thought it was, sarcastic that is. Now the instructor has sent another email saying:
NO, it's too late and I've cancelled the guitarist......I think, even she has had enough. Six days to go - two more rehearsals - one tonight and another on Thursday.
I don't think I have enough Valium.
I wouldn't want to get too comfortable though - six days is more than enough for nemisis to think of a few more things to add, change, or debate on.
I'm dreading tonight's rehearsal. I'm not, by nature, combative or confrontive - I dislike it actually. But I felt I had to speak up as no-one else was stopping this locomotive of a woman - and not the teacher either (for which I really hold her responsible for a lot of this). Is this what happens when tyrants or bullies rule?
People are afraid to speak up - or they join them so they'll be on the "safe" side?
If no-one says anything, who do we have to blame when it turns out to be "X's Bat Mitzvah with backup singers".....?
What I have learned....I'll fight for what I believe if I'm pushed hard enough.
It costs me nervous stomach, irritable bowel, high blood pressure. 12 step programs are not helpful as they say "Pray for her, she's a sick person and you would not be mad at a sick person." But where does that leave me? Accepting the domination and bullying of this individual? Sick as she may be - it's my Bat Mitzvah too.
Oh well, it's good we are wearing a lot of white - the blood will show up well on it.
The nemisis WENT AHEAD AND INSTRUCTED A GUITAR PLAYER TO SHOW UP.....this in spite of the fact that the instructor said no, it's too late in the game.
She, nemisis, sent an email saying that "the class" had decided on a guitar player and she had arranged for him to show up tonight. I answered, of course, I wasn't in the class when that was decided and I wasn't going to pay for it. Plus, it's too late in the game to add him.
Well, boy did I get an email back. Vitriol on the half shell. Reviewing and rehashing all our conflicts she has decided that I'm a dependably negative person.
Overlooking of course, that that means I don't want to go along with her decisions about MY class. She pointed out that since I'm not singing anything, I don't have any say about the guitarist.
I answered - probably shouldn't have - as reasonably and not too sarcastically (I thought) that I don't have any singing parts because she grabbed them all - and besides I like to sing with others, not solo (which she insists she should do) but Morey thought it was, sarcastic that is. Now the instructor has sent another email saying:
NO, it's too late and I've cancelled the guitarist......I think, even she has had enough. Six days to go - two more rehearsals - one tonight and another on Thursday.
I don't think I have enough Valium.
I wouldn't want to get too comfortable though - six days is more than enough for nemisis to think of a few more things to add, change, or debate on.
I'm dreading tonight's rehearsal. I'm not, by nature, combative or confrontive - I dislike it actually. But I felt I had to speak up as no-one else was stopping this locomotive of a woman - and not the teacher either (for which I really hold her responsible for a lot of this). Is this what happens when tyrants or bullies rule?
People are afraid to speak up - or they join them so they'll be on the "safe" side?
If no-one says anything, who do we have to blame when it turns out to be "X's Bat Mitzvah with backup singers".....?
What I have learned....I'll fight for what I believe if I'm pushed hard enough.
It costs me nervous stomach, irritable bowel, high blood pressure. 12 step programs are not helpful as they say "Pray for her, she's a sick person and you would not be mad at a sick person." But where does that leave me? Accepting the domination and bullying of this individual? Sick as she may be - it's my Bat Mitzvah too.
Oh well, it's good we are wearing a lot of white - the blood will show up well on it.
And the Band plays on
I think I'm nuts.
I've spent a small fortune on clothes for this Bat Mitzvah - not because I want to either - well, I guess I must want to - I'm doing it.
I didn't want all white - I'm a retired nurse and spent 25 years in white uniforms so all white just doesn't appeal to me. But it wasn't like anyone there in that class listens to anything I say. I'm old, I'm fat and I'm clueless (apparently).
So they decided "all white" - except of course, my nemisis who is wearing grey.
At first I thought, "Oh well, I'll go along with the group." I bought a "nice" white T shirt and skirt from Ross. But then I thought - "my leg brace will be out there in the open for all to see, and it's ugly" so I thought I'd better get pants.
The pants when they arrived were cream, so I bought a nice cream and lavender top to go with them. Then I saw pictures of the "wedding" dresses the other were wearing - or at least a couple of the others - and felt I'll look like a jerk in a T shirt and pants. So I ordered a really fancy white blouse with cutout design on it (which I haven't received yet) only to think "Oh no, I'll need white white pants to go with that." So off I went to find the only pair of white white pants in Santa Rosa in my size (one pair!!) Then, I got to thinking and thought "We are all wearing white - except my nemisis and she's wearing a grey suit (she said).....I'm not going to let her get away with that but I don't want to spoil the look of the group - so I ordered a grey skirt to go with the fancy blouse.
I don't know what I'm going to wear.
At the last minute, I'll be putting things on and off, begging my daughter and daughter-in-law to tell me what looks the best.
I console myself with the fact that there is a dinner that evening for which I will have to look "nice" too - but don't worry - I'm not buying more clothes. Something in my wardrobe will go with something I've bought and that will have to do. Some things will just have to go back but that's the drawback of buying online. I don't have the packing materials any more or the return slips although I'm sure I can figure out how to manage if I have to.
Am I crazy? Of course. I'm also getting paranoid over being old and fat. I'm both.
I'm at least 30 years older than most of the women in the group (except my nemisis) so that's probably why they discount me and tend not to pay attention when I say something. They jabber among themselves about things pertinent to their lives and I probably did the same when I was their age. They are immersed in young children, the schools, the activities, the Hebrew classes (of their kids) and their jobs. I'm definitely on the outside of that - I don't even know most of the people they talk about.
I'm also by far the heaviest person in the class. I would guess that all but one are size 8 or thereabouts. The one who isn't is tall and slender - the others are short birdlike bodies that make me wonder how they ever bear children....no hips.
I feel like I'm going to crush them when obligatory hugs occur.
And, did I mention shoes? Oh damn. I love shoes. I was never a $100 a pair person, more like 100 pairs of $2.99 shoes from Ross. But now, with my brace, there are few styles I can wear comfortably and none that are fancy.
I bought a pair for the Bat Mitzvah but tried wearing them yesterday and they were so uncomfortable I don't see how I can get through a couple of hours of standing and/or walking (lots of sitting too). And they are CREAM (oh, don't get me started again). I have black sandals that would work, but that means I have to get a pedicure! Oh no, I can see where this is going.......manicure, facial, massage..........
Really, is there no end to this insanity?
They tend to let their eyes slide over me as though I'm invisible most of the time.
I'm a sight they don't want to believe in - old AND fat. Not a socially acceptable
combination.
I don't normally think of myself as fat. I've lost about 40 lbs in the last 7 years and kept them off, but I could stand to lose another 20 but it isn't happening and I'm not willing to make the changes that will make that happen. Yet. And, let's face it, there's nothing I can do about age. I'm lucky to have made it this far, let alone fool anyone that I'm young.
Problem is, my head feels young - at least younger than my body. So I want to join in, I want to bake up a storm, I want to party and dance - but it ain't going to happen. Instead I get tired at the thought of all the meals I will have to prepare, supervise and/or pay for. Personally, I prefer paying for them and enjoying the company because it's either, or. Not both. But that's the wisdom of age. So there's some good to come from it.
And, one last thing, it seems my nemisis has decided that a guitar would be nice to add to the service (less than 1 week to the service) and I saw an email from the instructor saying "No, it's too late to do anything like that." We'll see. I'm staying out of it beyond my response to the email which was "Yaayy".....I have my doubts if the instructor can hold out and I'm sick and tired of fighting.
My one consolation is that I talked to a member of a previous adult class (five people) who told me that it was the same in her class. One person tried to run the show and was bullying everyone to do it her way. It's not much of a consolation.
I've spent a small fortune on clothes for this Bat Mitzvah - not because I want to either - well, I guess I must want to - I'm doing it.
I didn't want all white - I'm a retired nurse and spent 25 years in white uniforms so all white just doesn't appeal to me. But it wasn't like anyone there in that class listens to anything I say. I'm old, I'm fat and I'm clueless (apparently).
So they decided "all white" - except of course, my nemisis who is wearing grey.
At first I thought, "Oh well, I'll go along with the group." I bought a "nice" white T shirt and skirt from Ross. But then I thought - "my leg brace will be out there in the open for all to see, and it's ugly" so I thought I'd better get pants.
The pants when they arrived were cream, so I bought a nice cream and lavender top to go with them. Then I saw pictures of the "wedding" dresses the other were wearing - or at least a couple of the others - and felt I'll look like a jerk in a T shirt and pants. So I ordered a really fancy white blouse with cutout design on it (which I haven't received yet) only to think "Oh no, I'll need white white pants to go with that." So off I went to find the only pair of white white pants in Santa Rosa in my size (one pair!!) Then, I got to thinking and thought "We are all wearing white - except my nemisis and she's wearing a grey suit (she said).....I'm not going to let her get away with that but I don't want to spoil the look of the group - so I ordered a grey skirt to go with the fancy blouse.
I don't know what I'm going to wear.
At the last minute, I'll be putting things on and off, begging my daughter and daughter-in-law to tell me what looks the best.
I console myself with the fact that there is a dinner that evening for which I will have to look "nice" too - but don't worry - I'm not buying more clothes. Something in my wardrobe will go with something I've bought and that will have to do. Some things will just have to go back but that's the drawback of buying online. I don't have the packing materials any more or the return slips although I'm sure I can figure out how to manage if I have to.
Am I crazy? Of course. I'm also getting paranoid over being old and fat. I'm both.
I'm at least 30 years older than most of the women in the group (except my nemisis) so that's probably why they discount me and tend not to pay attention when I say something. They jabber among themselves about things pertinent to their lives and I probably did the same when I was their age. They are immersed in young children, the schools, the activities, the Hebrew classes (of their kids) and their jobs. I'm definitely on the outside of that - I don't even know most of the people they talk about.
I'm also by far the heaviest person in the class. I would guess that all but one are size 8 or thereabouts. The one who isn't is tall and slender - the others are short birdlike bodies that make me wonder how they ever bear children....no hips.
I feel like I'm going to crush them when obligatory hugs occur.
And, did I mention shoes? Oh damn. I love shoes. I was never a $100 a pair person, more like 100 pairs of $2.99 shoes from Ross. But now, with my brace, there are few styles I can wear comfortably and none that are fancy.
I bought a pair for the Bat Mitzvah but tried wearing them yesterday and they were so uncomfortable I don't see how I can get through a couple of hours of standing and/or walking (lots of sitting too). And they are CREAM (oh, don't get me started again). I have black sandals that would work, but that means I have to get a pedicure! Oh no, I can see where this is going.......manicure, facial, massage..........
Really, is there no end to this insanity?
They tend to let their eyes slide over me as though I'm invisible most of the time.
I'm a sight they don't want to believe in - old AND fat. Not a socially acceptable
combination.
I don't normally think of myself as fat. I've lost about 40 lbs in the last 7 years and kept them off, but I could stand to lose another 20 but it isn't happening and I'm not willing to make the changes that will make that happen. Yet. And, let's face it, there's nothing I can do about age. I'm lucky to have made it this far, let alone fool anyone that I'm young.
Problem is, my head feels young - at least younger than my body. So I want to join in, I want to bake up a storm, I want to party and dance - but it ain't going to happen. Instead I get tired at the thought of all the meals I will have to prepare, supervise and/or pay for. Personally, I prefer paying for them and enjoying the company because it's either, or. Not both. But that's the wisdom of age. So there's some good to come from it.
And, one last thing, it seems my nemisis has decided that a guitar would be nice to add to the service (less than 1 week to the service) and I saw an email from the instructor saying "No, it's too late to do anything like that." We'll see. I'm staying out of it beyond my response to the email which was "Yaayy".....I have my doubts if the instructor can hold out and I'm sick and tired of fighting.
My one consolation is that I talked to a member of a previous adult class (five people) who told me that it was the same in her class. One person tried to run the show and was bullying everyone to do it her way. It's not much of a consolation.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Bride of Christ
This Bat Mitzvah has been a whole new experience and a learning one for me.
First of all, I got a woman whose role in life is to be obstructive and destructive.
It's no accident that she was in the middle of a divorce during this process. I came to feel for her soon-to-be ex husband. First she drove him to drink, and then to beating her. I, too, felt like beating her.
But - no - I'm supposed to be a nice person. I'm supposed to be understanding and treat her like a "sick" person - which she indeed is. But it came hard. I used my program and prayed for us both. The really sad thing is that I thought she was most likely to become my friend in this process. She and I have a similar requirement, I thought, of our Bat Mitzvah in that it enlarge and develop our spiritual growth. It would be a milestone on the path of becoming. She is probably closest in age to me and since I found the youth of most of the other women to be a barrier - well, it wasn't to be.
The younger women are well educated, deeply involved in careers and have young children - many of whom are in the bar mitzvah process and during which their mothers wanted to understand and know what their children were expected to do. A laudable goal - but not one I was in any position to experience.
The fact is that my expectations were bound to be disappointed. You can't get a group of Jewish women together without creating a setting for power struggles, competitiveness, and one upmanship. Sadly enough. Although maybe any group Jewish or otherwise, has these things going for it. I had hoped for better.
I was also surprised at the disrespect many of them had for the whole classroom experience. Granted, the teacher was a disorganized wishy wash who lost control early on and never really regained it - although she did try some things. She admitted to me that boundaries were difficult for her and saying "NO", is a definite boundary. But it was more than that - they were disrespectful, talking over her, continuing to chatter about their own issues when she tried to steer them into "class" objectives. And just generally being oblivious of the necessity of paying attention and respecting each other. I can't imagine how any of them functioned in their own scholastic experience and a couple of them are currently teachers - although admittedly, one of the teachers behaved responsibly and the other was more easily herded into a semblance of order. But a couple of the others just didn't!!
Don't you wonder what their kids are like?
My own educational experience was old fashioned - we were taught to respect the teachers - indeed their word was law - which is another reason I was so disappointed in this teacher - she did not put her foot down and demand attention, respect and order. She let the more aggressive people in the class take control of it. And what a mess that is.
I'm hoping and praying that the end result will be at least acceptable, if not glorious. My fear is that we'll stumble around on stage, bumping into each other, forgetting parts of the service and having to start over. Or be reminded what to do.
Tonight was the 3rd to last rehearsal and we are still blithering around like a bunch of sheep without a leader. We are still making changes to the structure of the service and debating the music to use for particular musical parts. I don't feel at all secure in knowing what comes next, knowing what the music is for that part or where I should be positioned on the stage in relation to everyone else.
I'm afraid I will sit when they stand, or face the ark, when they face the congregation.
Fortunately, the woman who sits next to me is well organized and points me in the right direction but even she admits to having a lot of re-writes and write-ins on her performance notebook (and she was the one who wrote it all out in the first place).
Well, what is the worst that can happen. The rabbi can take over and herd us through the process - or we can just stumble to the finish line and no-one will laugh. There are no judges who will kick us out or announce that we haven't achieved our level of competence. And G-d hasn't been known to strike anyone dead under these circumstances, for quite a while now.
But, like I said, it's not what I expected.
Oh, and the title - G-d help us. They've all decided to wear white like we are brides of Christ - and some of them are shopping at Nordstroms for bridelike dresses and for all I know veils. Here I was with my white T shirt and Ross skirt, planning on being as Orthodox as I'm capable of and planning on slipping in on a Saturday morning and doing my thing and slipping out. Not going to happen.
If there is a G-d, I imagine he's laughing his butt off.
First of all, I got a woman whose role in life is to be obstructive and destructive.
It's no accident that she was in the middle of a divorce during this process. I came to feel for her soon-to-be ex husband. First she drove him to drink, and then to beating her. I, too, felt like beating her.
But - no - I'm supposed to be a nice person. I'm supposed to be understanding and treat her like a "sick" person - which she indeed is. But it came hard. I used my program and prayed for us both. The really sad thing is that I thought she was most likely to become my friend in this process. She and I have a similar requirement, I thought, of our Bat Mitzvah in that it enlarge and develop our spiritual growth. It would be a milestone on the path of becoming. She is probably closest in age to me and since I found the youth of most of the other women to be a barrier - well, it wasn't to be.
The younger women are well educated, deeply involved in careers and have young children - many of whom are in the bar mitzvah process and during which their mothers wanted to understand and know what their children were expected to do. A laudable goal - but not one I was in any position to experience.
The fact is that my expectations were bound to be disappointed. You can't get a group of Jewish women together without creating a setting for power struggles, competitiveness, and one upmanship. Sadly enough. Although maybe any group Jewish or otherwise, has these things going for it. I had hoped for better.
I was also surprised at the disrespect many of them had for the whole classroom experience. Granted, the teacher was a disorganized wishy wash who lost control early on and never really regained it - although she did try some things. She admitted to me that boundaries were difficult for her and saying "NO", is a definite boundary. But it was more than that - they were disrespectful, talking over her, continuing to chatter about their own issues when she tried to steer them into "class" objectives. And just generally being oblivious of the necessity of paying attention and respecting each other. I can't imagine how any of them functioned in their own scholastic experience and a couple of them are currently teachers - although admittedly, one of the teachers behaved responsibly and the other was more easily herded into a semblance of order. But a couple of the others just didn't!!
Don't you wonder what their kids are like?
My own educational experience was old fashioned - we were taught to respect the teachers - indeed their word was law - which is another reason I was so disappointed in this teacher - she did not put her foot down and demand attention, respect and order. She let the more aggressive people in the class take control of it. And what a mess that is.
I'm hoping and praying that the end result will be at least acceptable, if not glorious. My fear is that we'll stumble around on stage, bumping into each other, forgetting parts of the service and having to start over. Or be reminded what to do.
Tonight was the 3rd to last rehearsal and we are still blithering around like a bunch of sheep without a leader. We are still making changes to the structure of the service and debating the music to use for particular musical parts. I don't feel at all secure in knowing what comes next, knowing what the music is for that part or where I should be positioned on the stage in relation to everyone else.
I'm afraid I will sit when they stand, or face the ark, when they face the congregation.
Fortunately, the woman who sits next to me is well organized and points me in the right direction but even she admits to having a lot of re-writes and write-ins on her performance notebook (and she was the one who wrote it all out in the first place).
Well, what is the worst that can happen. The rabbi can take over and herd us through the process - or we can just stumble to the finish line and no-one will laugh. There are no judges who will kick us out or announce that we haven't achieved our level of competence. And G-d hasn't been known to strike anyone dead under these circumstances, for quite a while now.
But, like I said, it's not what I expected.
Oh, and the title - G-d help us. They've all decided to wear white like we are brides of Christ - and some of them are shopping at Nordstroms for bridelike dresses and for all I know veils. Here I was with my white T shirt and Ross skirt, planning on being as Orthodox as I'm capable of and planning on slipping in on a Saturday morning and doing my thing and slipping out. Not going to happen.
If there is a G-d, I imagine he's laughing his butt off.