I have struggled with my weight for years.
Even as a child in England, I was absolutely sure I was the fattest kid in the school - which, when I think about it, had to be absolutely wrong! There were 14 year old kids there and I was 10 or less!
There was a public weighing - at least once that I can remember - where we lined up in the play yard and there was a scale where we each in turn were weighed.
As I inched forward, I was dying inside of embarrassment. I knew I was fat - I knew everyone else knew I was fat and I was going to be humiliated publicly. When I got weighed there were sniggers and giggles but I don't remember name calling. At least not at that time.
Name calling occurred in other times and places. I was German in England during WWII. It was pretty clear to everyone that I was German - even though the teachers tried to save me by saying I was "the little Polish girl".
I knew that was a lie and most of the kids did too.
When I came to the United State, the first words out of my aunt's mouth were "Oh, she's so fat." I weighed 135 at the age of 10. Not so terrible in today's world, but in that world....and to my aunt, terrible.
She and my Mom took me to a doctor early on who tested me and found I had a slightly sluggish metabolism which would account for about 10 extra pounds. But they put me on my first diet - with diet pills and I was off to a lifetime of ups and downs.
By the age of 13 I was gorgeous - but it lasted about 5 minutes. Some of it was that I had grown to my full adult height by then. I also had "developed".
In the ensuing years I was always on a diet, going up, or going down. Striving for a goal that my body did not want to achieve. Just because the
insurance statistics said I should weigh a certain weight did not make it so.
I have big bones - REALLY? Don't laugh. I'm convinced that when I'm dead 100 years, my bones will be a size 14.
But the truth is I love to eat - I love to cook (or used to) - and in my family food is love. I ate to please my Mother for whom a chubby child was a healthy child. I was not allowed to leave the table until I finished everything on my plate and I had to eat everything whether I like it or not. Some things made me gag....too bad. Food was in short supply and we didn't waste any.
We also ate under stress. So I learned early that if I was scared, lonely, angry or happy food would level me out and subdue my mood swings.
Many years later I heard someone say that "food is my drug of choice" and it resonated with me - because that was exactly how my family used it.
When I got married, one of the things we loved to do was eat. I cooked, baked and we ate it all....my husband never gained as much as I did though.
But we also ate under stress and for reasons not associated with actual hunger. I'm not sure I knew what actual hunger felt like.
When I had children of my own, my Mother used to heap food on their plates - adult size portions for 3 year olds. I would tell her it's too much but she loved them so she heaped on the food - and then was upset they didn't eat it. I realized then that she had done that with me too - adult portions for little kids and hell to pay if I didn't eat it.
I found Weight Watchers shortly after they were formed and just after my youngest was born. Over the years I've joined WW at least a dozen times and each time I was less and less successful with them.
One of the reasons for my waning success with Weight Watchers was that they started selling their own label foods which were incorporated into the food plans. That meant that they included foods known to cause problems but it was OK, if it was Weight Watcher food. So I ate WW cheesecake, and WW pudding, and WW ice cream - duh! No wonder it no longer worked.
I also tried Jeannie Craig and other prepackaged food plans. The food was ghastly and the real world beckoned. As it must sooner or later.
My weight fluctuated by 30 lbs. up and down and I was either always on a diet or I was gaining weight. Obsessed with my weight - and appearance, I was never happy with myself and lost all sight (if I ever had one ) of what was real. In other words my view of myself was totally different from reality.
Now - thirty years or more later - I look at home movies and think "What was I thinking? I look fine." But at the time and always I never felt "fine"
I always felt "fat".
I even tried Optifast - which is five packages of some kind of powder a day mixed in coffee. P ERIOD Of course, I lost weight and then at the end they said "by the way,, now you won't be able to eat more that 1000 calories a day because your body is readjusted".........to what I ask?
I had tried Overeaters Anonymous in the 1970's and for four years was successful with it. It was pretty strict - one size fits all and punitive if you "failed". So naturally, I "failed" and couldn't face the music. It took me many years and other "diets" before I decided to go back.
This time it stuck. I'm not thin by any means, but I'm 40 lbs. lighter and have stayed that way for 7 years now. I eat a wide variety of foods, but not the ones that give me problems - like refined sugars and refined flours.
But most of all, I feel happier within myself and have some ways to deal with issues that don't involve eating to sedate my feelings.
I do go meeting often but it's like group therapy. We talk about everything and support each other through all our various life events. Food is not the problem, it's a symptom of personal issues we all have and need to work through.
I'm really glad I found OA again.
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