Dark and Gloomy thoughts

OK, I may as well warn you readers that this is probably not a good blog to read.

It's one of those nights when I can't sleep and just lie there with dark thoughts chasing each other through my brain.

I'm feeling old and kind of scared of the future and most of all scared of ending up like my Mom. I remember my Mom telling me at one point that she was afraid she was losing her mind - and I (good nurse that I was) said
"Oh, of course you aren't Mom. It just feels that ways sometimes."

Well, I'm not quite feeling like I'm losing my mind but when I lie in bed and can't sleep my mind goes to all the "what if's"

What if Morey dies first (as he most likely will being 7 years older than I),
I've never done my own taxes forms - not even been involved with him doing ours - I don't know how he plans his investment strategy even though he's explained - and I've taken notes - many times. I have no experience taking care of cars (other than filling the tank). I can't possibly take care of the house and garden - I'll have to move.

What if - my kids don't want me to be too close to them or too dependant on them? Not that I want that but...........

What if there isn't enough money to take care of me?

What if I can't drive - or my friends are all older than I am and they can't drive?

What if I'm in pain, or sick - will Kaiser/Medicare be enough?

What if I'm suffering?

Oh crap! All the outcomes I've seen as a nurse come back to haunt me.
Elderly parents abandoned by selfish kids.... my kid's wouldn't be like that would they? Elderly people taken advantage of by predatory caregivers. Who would protect me from that - well, my kids of course. Of course?

It's terrifying how dependant we are on our children in our old age. No-one wants to be a burden, but without children to be there for you, it's a tough place to be. Our society has few, if any, low cost recourses for the elderly.

I used to think that "if things got too bad, I'd end it"....but would I have the courage, the nerve, the means? Like my mother-in-law, every day she was fairly alert and aware was a good day and when she ceased to be alert or aware, it was too late for her fall-back plan of taking all her pills.

Jewish "schmaltz" dramas are filled with elderly parents abandoned by their selfish children - for whom they gave up food from their mouths to provide for fancy education and homes. My Mother loved those stories and wept at them. I think she felt she abandoned her Mother - and I feel I never did the best I could for Mom - even though she lived with us for 5 1/2 years.

Maybe it's in the nature of the beast. Aging is hard and demanding and children (especially adult children) have lives of their own and children of their own to deal with. Maybe nobody goes quietly into the night - shivering on an ice floe, or abandoned for the wolves.

See, even back then there was no good way of taking care of aging parents.

I've often wondered how people took care of their aging parents back then when there were too many mouths to feed and no-one had invented Depends. And is there anything more demeaning than needing them and needing your adult children to change them?

On some level, I always knew that I would be responsible for the "old folks". It wasn't hard to figure out. My Aunt and Uncle had no children and even though they were beastly to me and my Mother, I wasn't going to leave them to fend for themselves. I didn't even know how much money they had, I just knew it was my responsibility to take care of them.

I loved my Mom dearly - even though she drove me nuts sometimes - but even I, as a nurse, couldn't take the stress of caring for her as she deteriorated and yet sturdily kept on living, and living. Thank goodness that she had money that I could draw on to provide help in the home, and a nice board and care when I couldn't handle the home situation any more.

I hated leaving her in the skilled nursing facility, but had few options. Indeed, I worked at "preserving" her money as I knew she wouldn't want to use it all up and leave nothing for her child (me) and her grandchildren.
I don't want to do that either!

But, unlike other Mothers, who went quietly in their sleep, Mom had an iron core and just kept on and on. Not as though she had a choice in the matter.

So I don't know how it's all going to play out - just as well. But I worry about the details. Maybe it's like wanting to learn to SCUBA dive after I retired until it occurred to me that maybe I wouldn't be able to do it physically then. Maybe I won't want to continue all my activities and interests as I age and it will be easier to give up - I seem to have already given up some of the more physical of my pleasures like gardening. Maybe I won't mind not driving or living in a retirement facility.

What is that saying - something about being ready to meet that eventuality when you finally get there.

Meanwhile, it's after midnight and I still can't sleep. Maybe a glass of wine will do it?