Oh Dear What Can the Matter BE?

Damn it, I've done it again. I signed up for a class at the temple without understanding fully what it was all about.

One of the people I see every week in Torah Study was talking about taking it in the summer and since she and I are on a similar journey in our Jewish studies, I thought OK I'll sign up at the next opportunity.

Turns out (after one session) that it's like a 12 step program for Jews. Only it was started about 1000 years ago. Of course, there are recent updates, modernizations and revisions (which require a book and a workbook) but it's a soul searching plan in order to "refine" our souls.

Right off the bat it took a negative turn for me because Ani, my Bat Mitzvah menace, was in the class. When the leader talked about teaming us up in pairs or triplets to study together I was nervous that she would place me with Ani, mistakenly thinking that we had been in the Bat Mitzvah class together and so "sisters". I knew that wouldn't work, but fortunately it never happened, so I didn't have to say so.

But - I got paired up with a lady I hardly know and a man I don't know at all to I'm supposed to "talk" to these people off and during the two week interlude between classes and in class as we go step by step through the various character qualities that we need to "refine".

So here I am - the first quality is "Humility" and I'm supposed to share my feelings with these two people based on some questions handed out and they are deeply personal questions. Let me say right off the bat - I don't want to do this.

How do I talk to strangers about how I find a balance between abject self hate and prideful selfishness. That was question number one.

I found it very destabilizing to say the least. Came home and ate all the leftovers in the refrigerator and I haven't done that in years.

I don't really WANT to tell these people that I've had 8 years or more of intensive psychotherapy and 11 years of (at least) a 12 step program trying to find a balance in my life.

If we discuss humility vs. pride - how do I tell them that it took me all of that and more to acquire some self worth and to value myself enough to protect myself in arguments and to stand up for what is important to me.
I'm not a hard core person like Toni who knows what she wants and fights for it. I was a wishy washy doormat and trying to explain to strangers how I came to like myself better and to value myself enough to have opinions and speak them and stand up for my needs would be difficult, painful and - shall I say it - more self revealing than I feel comfortable with.

Wasn't that enough "refining"? Do I have to explain that though I speak up now and am - maybe too much so - forthright in my shares in classes and Torah study, I've worked long and hard to feel that confidant to do it.
It feels good and I'm not about to back down to a position of "humility" which in my mind is little more than submissive, subservient and mealy mouthed.

And this is just the beginning - there are other character traits which I even less want to explore with strangers. And I don't much care that they won't be strangers for long if I tell them all these things.

I've done a lot of "refining" with OA. I intend to continue my program of refining with OA. But these are people who understand me when I speak, know where I'm coming from - for the most part don't judge me and are denied by the structure of the program from commenting on whatever I share. We are also told not to give advice or try to problem solve for each other. We share!

In these Mussar classes, it's quite the opposite. We invite our partners to give their opinions and responses to our comments. I don't trust either of my "partners" to have enough insight to tread lightly where that is concerned - especially the male member of this little group.

My first reaction to him is he is a smug, self satisfied and proud of himself individual with little insight or sensitivity. I may be wrong - I have been known to be wrong. But am I supposed to tell him that - even politely.

The woman in my little triumvorate is clearly more insightful and sensitive. But I sense that she is fragile and vulnerable and I don't want to step on her feelings either. She may be able to help me look at my issues, but I doubt my ability to help her look at hers.

Well, it's only four session - although I gather the momentum is to continue beyond them. I don't have to go - I don't have to stay - I don't have to continue. And most of all, I don't have to worry what they will think of me if I don't.

This might have been useful and helpful if I didn't have a background as I have - but NO, I doubt I could even begin to look at these things without my background. It's not easy to look at your own failings and begin to see where they may be fallacies or realistic.