My Bitchiness on view

I'm studying for my adult Bat Mitzvah. I'm one of 10 women in the class. Some of us came from knowing almost nothing of Hebrew and little about the prayer service. A couple are converts.
I'm somewhere in the middle - My Mother taught me the aleph-bet's when I was little but not how to read Hebrew. I've heard the prayers most of my life - one way or another.

One of the women in my class has spent 20 years or more in a Buddhist type commune. I don't know the details of her life, but she has obviously left and returned to Judaism. Whatever she does she does thoroughly and is a perfectionist - she'll probably end up as a rabbi. Meantime she has married and is in the throes of a bitter divorce.

I give all this background because she has become the bane of my existance in the class.
From the beginning she pushed to sing every solo song, say every pray, do every aliyah and dominate every discussion.

Since none of the rest of us are that anxious to take on the "performance" aspect of the service, we've let her - and unfortunately so has the teacher who is a nice lady with poor boundaries.
This individual tends to put on earphones when the rest of us are practicing our prayers in class and frequently is saying her own prayers during the class. She has been told time and time again in this class and others that she is being disruptive and disrespectful. She says "I'm sorry" but it has no meaning.

So admittedly - I'm jealous. I love some of these prayers and had hoped to sing them at least along with the class (I just wrote an email to the teacher asking if this is forboten in the format of the Bat Mitzvah - if I were in the congregation, I would naturally sing along with every prayer). But at this point I feel as though this is "A" 's Bat Mitzvah and we are the backup singers.

She insisted on taking on the longest parsha in the Torah reading too. The minimum amount to
"pass" is 3 verses. I took on 3 verses. Most of the others have taken on 3 verses. A couple of women who can read Hebrew very well (their past training didn't take them all the way to a Bat Mitzvah but they didn't lack the education) are taking on 4-5 verses. "A" I believe has six or maybe it's 10. Whatever!

You get the picture.

Last night in class I was reading my prayer and struggling a little with it and "A" starts singing another prayer (there were only four of us in that class last night). I found the singing very distracting and I was struggling and stopped - the Teacher said "What's wrong, you look like you are going to cry" and indeed I felt that frustrated and I pointed to "A" who was continuing to sing. The Teacher started to remonstrate with her but another student pounced on her and told her off.
Told her she was selfish and self involved and disrupted the entire class for her own needs.
She ("A") apologized.....again. I finished up - but later counted out how many parts she had in the service.

I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I don't want to drop out. I've learned my Parsha - I like my prayer. I enjoy Saturday morning services. I've told "A" twice, that she should have her own seperate Bnai Mitzvah as she wants to do everything - but she doesn't get the "hint". If I continue to complain, then I'm the problem - at least to me.

There are 3 - 3minute speeches to be given as part of the service. I swear if "A" gets one of those, I'll lose it. She'll want it no doubt. And everyone else is stage shy and not anxious to stand out individually - but does that mean that we'll let her do it? And, if she does, she'll be good - for sure. Or maybe not. Alternatively, do I want to speak? Maybe -

So how do I handle this stage hog? I've tried speaking up - but indirectly. Last night was the most bluntly anyone has talked to her and I doubt it penetrated her thick hide. It's really up to the Teacher to set limits - but she's pretty disorganized and has poor control over the class in the first place and I think setting limits is not her strong suite.

The thing is - I'm pretty committed to this process as part of my spiritual growth. I wanted it to be meaningful, beautiful and spiritual - I knew there was some stage fright and performance anxiety involved, but I've overcome that in the past and felt I could do it again. But how spiritual is this going to be if there is a tug-of-war with "A". (who seems to think she warrants special treatment). Do I want special treatment? Well, maybe - I am the oldest in the group.
I'm one with direct Holocaust loss and experience - though I think there is another somewhat in the same position. Does that give me any special consideration? Why do I think so? Because I was raised to give deference to the aged - obviously that doesn't mean others feel the same way.

I also think I should have been singled out - although my anxiety rises at the thought. I also have inner voices condemning those who push themselves out to perform, who think they are better than others - on some level I think I should be selected for my own merits but I should not have to say so. I think my voice is better than "A"s although she is in chorus. But I could be wrong about that - sometimes I think I'm singing OK and then I realize I'm off key - something that never used to happen. So I'm not that secure about my singing voice any more either.

Well, all this reminds me of years in school wanting to be noticed but afraid to be singled out.
Wanting to be the best, but have no self confidance that I was inded the best. Thinking I could do better than someone else, but not wanting to challenge them. And most of all, not standing up for myself because I've been taught that to do that was shameful, and indicated selfishness
and self conceit.

I guess we never stop learning about ourselves, unless we are "A".

This is probably not the last I'll write about "A". From the OA point of view, it's an opportunity to learn something about myself - probably something I'd rather not know but need to work on.