And I'm feeling pretty cranky. Maybe it's just anxiety over the coming trip - maybe I'm having a hormone flare - like a sunspot! But I want to argue with everything my husband says which isn't that hard as he's a difficult person to talk to. He's been pretty cranky too so maybe it is our upcoming trip.
I often feel we are talking at cross purposes. He wants to argue with whatever I say and I want to argue with whatever he says. We've been married 53 years, so this isn't exactly new but sometimes it's worse. I think I read an author one time who called it "seasons of hate" or "why did I marry this person?"
We both get stuck in loops where we repeat our stand over and over somehow thinking that if the other person "hears" us he/she will change their mind about the stand they've taken. Several marriage counselors suggested that whichever one of us realize that we are on this feedback path should suggest we withdraw - and it's damn hard to do. It's a compulsion on both our parts - to keep on explaining - to keep on arguing - to convince the other person of our point of view.
My husband tends to go on about "You don't hear me." and I tend to go about "What part of what you said do you think I didn't hear? As I repeat it verbatim (you can do that after 15-20 repetitions.
In our early years he used to make me haul down a dictionary to I could look up the meaning of words as it was clear that words meant different things to each of us and we weren't making contact using them. Then I read a book (or two) about communication and I realized that there are meta messages in language (The Book was called "You're wearing That?"
and it was about Mother/Daughter communication - but you know what that title is saying don't you?)
My husband just about freaked when I had him read parts of that book. It wasn't bad enough that the words didn't mean the same between us, there were unspoken messages that he didn't have a clue about - and never will. That was my aha moment. He doesn't speak "meta" message! Maybe he's a guy and they don't get it - but every woman I've talked to about this understands right away. My husband moves in a one dimensional verbal world and I move in a multidimensional world. No wonder we don't communicate.
Can you love someone you can't communicate with - well, yes. You just can't communicate with someone you love - that's harder. It's also quite lonely at times.
I wish it were different - I'm so in love with the romantic novels and their soul mate view of relationships. That's just not how it works in this household. We are polar opposites - yet we love and cherish each other. Go figure.
Well, maybe it will just take another few years to work the wrinkles out of this relationship.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Approaching Trip
Yikes, I wanted to head this "approaching doomsday" or "approaching the end"....I'm soooo
torn by this trip to Berlin.
On the one hand, I have come to grips - big time- with my history and have read about 6-8 books on the Holocaust in the last year. On the other hand - it's horrifying.
So now I'm going to Germany at their invitation and expense and there is a part of me that feels like I'm going into the lion's mouth. It's totally silly I know - thousands of Jews have traveled to Germany since WWII and come back to tell about it. But there is a little teeny part of me that feels like I'll die.
I've never been one of those people who swore never to buy or use German products after the war. I've even met and been civil - I think - to some German people in my time. Arnika was certainly one of them - although I always felt that she thought herself quite superior to us.
Susanne -Toni's foreign student who lived with her for a year - she was easy - she was, what 16?
How could I hold her responsible? But her Mother and Grandmother came to visit while she was here and we hosted them for a couple of days. Her Grandmother especially - a woman nearer to my age - but still................it's the ones who are much older than myself who I have trouble with. And there aren't too many of those now that I'm almost 73. They'd have to be about 90 to have anything to do with the excesses of the Nazi's.
Still, those fears implanted at a very young age don't go away. The more I read about early childhood studies, the more I realize that far, far more is known now of how a baby and toddler's brain works and my joke that the things I learned when I was little are engraved in wet concrete
- well that turns out to be true. The things I learn now are written on Teflon. But those wet concrete years last forever.
I've spoken about this at meetings and I thought it was hyperbole, but the truth is I did live in a climate of terror. I wasn't aware of it, because I couldn't think it through and discriminate but
my parents jumpiness around "authority" figures, their panic in the face of a "uniform", their hiding of the Sabbath candles, their intensity hovering over the radio with the news reports and speeches (Churchill's voice was as familiar to me as my own); a little kid picks up on those things. My Mother would clutch her "papers" with an intensity that left marks - those were our lifeline. My Mother was also terrified of any authority and used me as a translator - so that there wouldn't be any misunderstanding. As if a 7 year old could avoid misunderstandings!!
I don't remember ever being told that I needed to hide - but I was always looking for hiding places "where THEY wouldn't find me". I was still doing it when I came to the USA and not too long ago found myself reverting to that old pattern and thinking "they'd never find me there".
I remember seeing a movie where the Nazis poked hay bales with their bayonets looking for Jews and thinking "Sh-t - I thought that was a good place." - and I was an adult by then.
And you know those scenes in movies where they shoot into the ceiling? Well, damn - there goes another good one.
On a slightly different slant - I've been wearing a Mogen David since I was a teenager. I wear it every day in or outside of my clothes. Do I do that in Germany? Did I do that in Germany last time we were there? That was the 1980's and we didn't stay long. THEN there were still those people around 15-20 years older than me and I looked at every one of them and wondered.......what did you do?
But my reading has made me much more aware of the virulence of the hatred. The intensity with which the German public - in general - despised the Jews. This was a country where - in spite of what they said about not knowing what was going on - there was no attempt to hide what was happening to the Jews, nor was the average German protected from viewing death marches, street murders etc. In fact, I'm told that there are "stompelstein" - brass markers in the sidewalks that commemorate the death of a Jew at that spot - and the word means "stumble stone" - it's intended to remind people to "trip over" their responsibility. Although, some Jews say "they are still walking all over us".
So death and the death of Jews was all around. People eagerly watched the Jews being led away and immediately raided their homes for what they could carry off. This wasn't in far away Poland, or Russia - it was in Germany!
I don't know whether I should just brush those things aside and try to be bigger than all that.
Or whether it's healthier to face it. I know that it's hard for me on a one to one situation to be cruel to anyone - to cut them or reject them..............but..............where do I deposit this anger?
torn by this trip to Berlin.
On the one hand, I have come to grips - big time- with my history and have read about 6-8 books on the Holocaust in the last year. On the other hand - it's horrifying.
So now I'm going to Germany at their invitation and expense and there is a part of me that feels like I'm going into the lion's mouth. It's totally silly I know - thousands of Jews have traveled to Germany since WWII and come back to tell about it. But there is a little teeny part of me that feels like I'll die.
I've never been one of those people who swore never to buy or use German products after the war. I've even met and been civil - I think - to some German people in my time. Arnika was certainly one of them - although I always felt that she thought herself quite superior to us.
Susanne -Toni's foreign student who lived with her for a year - she was easy - she was, what 16?
How could I hold her responsible? But her Mother and Grandmother came to visit while she was here and we hosted them for a couple of days. Her Grandmother especially - a woman nearer to my age - but still................it's the ones who are much older than myself who I have trouble with. And there aren't too many of those now that I'm almost 73. They'd have to be about 90 to have anything to do with the excesses of the Nazi's.
Still, those fears implanted at a very young age don't go away. The more I read about early childhood studies, the more I realize that far, far more is known now of how a baby and toddler's brain works and my joke that the things I learned when I was little are engraved in wet concrete
- well that turns out to be true. The things I learn now are written on Teflon. But those wet concrete years last forever.
I've spoken about this at meetings and I thought it was hyperbole, but the truth is I did live in a climate of terror. I wasn't aware of it, because I couldn't think it through and discriminate but
my parents jumpiness around "authority" figures, their panic in the face of a "uniform", their hiding of the Sabbath candles, their intensity hovering over the radio with the news reports and speeches (Churchill's voice was as familiar to me as my own); a little kid picks up on those things. My Mother would clutch her "papers" with an intensity that left marks - those were our lifeline. My Mother was also terrified of any authority and used me as a translator - so that there wouldn't be any misunderstanding. As if a 7 year old could avoid misunderstandings!!
I don't remember ever being told that I needed to hide - but I was always looking for hiding places "where THEY wouldn't find me". I was still doing it when I came to the USA and not too long ago found myself reverting to that old pattern and thinking "they'd never find me there".
I remember seeing a movie where the Nazis poked hay bales with their bayonets looking for Jews and thinking "Sh-t - I thought that was a good place." - and I was an adult by then.
And you know those scenes in movies where they shoot into the ceiling? Well, damn - there goes another good one.
On a slightly different slant - I've been wearing a Mogen David since I was a teenager. I wear it every day in or outside of my clothes. Do I do that in Germany? Did I do that in Germany last time we were there? That was the 1980's and we didn't stay long. THEN there were still those people around 15-20 years older than me and I looked at every one of them and wondered.......what did you do?
But my reading has made me much more aware of the virulence of the hatred. The intensity with which the German public - in general - despised the Jews. This was a country where - in spite of what they said about not knowing what was going on - there was no attempt to hide what was happening to the Jews, nor was the average German protected from viewing death marches, street murders etc. In fact, I'm told that there are "stompelstein" - brass markers in the sidewalks that commemorate the death of a Jew at that spot - and the word means "stumble stone" - it's intended to remind people to "trip over" their responsibility. Although, some Jews say "they are still walking all over us".
So death and the death of Jews was all around. People eagerly watched the Jews being led away and immediately raided their homes for what they could carry off. This wasn't in far away Poland, or Russia - it was in Germany!
I don't know whether I should just brush those things aside and try to be bigger than all that.
Or whether it's healthier to face it. I know that it's hard for me on a one to one situation to be cruel to anyone - to cut them or reject them..............but..............where do I deposit this anger?
Monday, May 17, 2010
Living up to my reputation
Can't get to sleep - again. Pills not working, tea not working, sleeping on the couch not working.
Reading a book, not helping. What else is left to do?
Maybe I shouldn't watch TV before bed - if it's an exciting or gripping story, I get wound up.
Not that I think of Masterpiece theatre that way - but this story was involving. Still, you'd think I could sleep by 2am. I've been in bed since about 10:45.
Does my mind race around like a rat in a cage - well, yes. But it always did. I always "worry", or ruminate on what's happening in my life. Things are no better or worse. Although, I do have more pain. Now it's my hands. For some reason, at night, they feel swollen and very painful. They even burn - especially my right hand. I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow, but have little hope he'll come up with anything. Actually, I'm afraid he'll offer me another pill and the last two or three times I've tried something new, it's been disastrous in terms of side effects.
I guess I just want a magic want to make me 50 again. Or, I'd settle for 60. But 70 and up has been a bear!
I got a new Morland book and am enjoying reading it. It's nice to be able to curl up with my favorite people and country and settle in for a nice read. Not that it isn't exciting sometimes, but we've been in the first World War now for about four books and it's not over yet.
I pass the books on to Toni and to my friend Myra. I think this is number 34 or 35. In the beginning we raced through hundreds of years of English history but now we've slowed down a lot. I'm hoping we go back and fill in some of those early years. There really were huge gaps there say in the 15th century or 17th century.
The books follow an English family through 500 years of history and you get to know them all and the branches of the family and through their experiences you get a really good feel for the historic period they are experiencing. Toni says she falls asleep counting Morlands instead of sheep. I long ago lost track of who is related to whom, but the names are all familiar to me as I start reading. Sometimes I wish I had Toni's mind - she knows all the stories and when references are made to trivia in them she picks up on them. Tonight when I was reading there was a trivia reference but I couldn't remember what it was. Something about the footings of a house in the middle of a field. I suspect that house was important centuries ago............
Sometimes, I pick up a random book in the Morland series and just read it for fun. But I guess it's a weird addiction we have.
To change the subject - maybe I should change the heading? I'm trying to learn the in's and out's of my new video camera called a Flip. It's very small and takes nice videos which you can watch on the computer screen, or attach to the TV and watch them there. There's lots of things you can do with editing, emails, making stills, etc. Unfortunately, there is NOT a good instruction book to go with it and I'm learning more from emails from my friend Arlene, than anything the company provides.
There are a lot of assumptions made about working with electronic devices. Like push "yes" when there is not a"yes" button. People who are really good at working with electronic devices know what "yes" buttons might be....me - I need it to say "YES". But I'm getting the hang of it.
I got it mostly for the grandchildren's birthday parties and I have some nice shots of Micah at his and Dahlia at hers. The parents worked so hard to make the parties nice. I guess I used to do that too - baking and decorating cakes, planning games and decorations etc. I used to hire our baby sitter to play games with the kids that way I could talk to the Mom's.
Kelly has some really good friends who went to a lot of trouble to make a couple of dozen assorted cupcakes with fancy decorations on them. Pure sugar! But very pretty. Plus they had the party in the garden which is very pretty with all kinds of different levels for tables, chairs and umbrellas and lots of flowers blooming helter skelter. I should have taken more pictures of the setting. There was also great food - and I'm not sure what Kelly made and what her friends made. I enjoyed a red cabbage slaw and the BBQ chicken was wonderful.
Dahlia was very cute and quite composed about all the fuss. She doesn't get rattled easily - she's not particularly clingy and she likes the camera. Mia used to too. Gary said my grandkids "loved" the camera and the camera "loved" them. Dahlia doesn't get whiny or cry a lot - which given that she is only 2 is surprising. That's why I say she's quite composed and not fussy. As long as she doesn't take a fall, you hardly hear her cry. She talks quite a bit, but I'm not always so good at figuring out what she's saying.
Dahlia got some great gifts too. They have wonderful things for kids today - really creative and stimulating toys. Makes ME want to sit down and play with them.
Maybe I'll send them, Rose and Gary, pictures of the kid's parties. I don't know that they are interested, but then maybe they are. It's a little uncomfortable because they have no grandkids so I don't want to rub it in - but I do love mine and like to share them in photographic displays.
I miss Micah. He's so cute and responsive, and I was hoping to Skype him when we got home so we could reinforce who we were but we haven't done it yet and it's been a week we're back. It's so weird - you look forward so long to these events, or a trip and then - it's over! You hardly have a chance to savor it. I hope I'm around for Micah's Bar Mitzvah - speaking of events to look forward to.
Speaking of which - I'm worried my Bat Mitzvah is going to be a disorganized mess. Judith (the teacher) doesn't seem to have much organization or control. She says one thing - like we'll practice the service every week, and then it doesn't happen. Half the class isn't showing up consistently and I KNOW they don't know their stuff. And even if they do, we should be practicing on the beema so we know the choreography of all of us moving about the "stage".
I know we have a couple of months, but in my opinion, we should be getting this down pat.
We're still mulling over - should we say this or that? When should we say it? And the people who aren't here are sure to have opinons. And don't get me started on planning the invitations and lunch.
At least F hasn't dropped out of the class - which Madame X was threatening (since they are joined at the hip). Madame X didn't show up but she had said she wasn't going to "waste her time practicing the service" she was going to spend it learning her Torah portion. The problem is the I've seen her in action when she hasn't "practiced" and it annoyed the hell out of me. The service was just a jumble - some of it due to J "leading" and not being prepared. Another reason I'm nervous about how this is going to come off.
I keep trying to "turn it over" - and tell myself that it's not a "performance" it's a prayer service. But I want the prayer performed smoothly and with meaning - I don't want a lot of tripping over each other and false starts. So here I am trying to "control" again. I have to remind myself that it's me and 9 other women - so I have NO control and not much voice in how things are going to play out.
So - let it go - it will be what it will be. Good night.
Reading a book, not helping. What else is left to do?
Maybe I shouldn't watch TV before bed - if it's an exciting or gripping story, I get wound up.
Not that I think of Masterpiece theatre that way - but this story was involving. Still, you'd think I could sleep by 2am. I've been in bed since about 10:45.
Does my mind race around like a rat in a cage - well, yes. But it always did. I always "worry", or ruminate on what's happening in my life. Things are no better or worse. Although, I do have more pain. Now it's my hands. For some reason, at night, they feel swollen and very painful. They even burn - especially my right hand. I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow, but have little hope he'll come up with anything. Actually, I'm afraid he'll offer me another pill and the last two or three times I've tried something new, it's been disastrous in terms of side effects.
I guess I just want a magic want to make me 50 again. Or, I'd settle for 60. But 70 and up has been a bear!
I got a new Morland book and am enjoying reading it. It's nice to be able to curl up with my favorite people and country and settle in for a nice read. Not that it isn't exciting sometimes, but we've been in the first World War now for about four books and it's not over yet.
I pass the books on to Toni and to my friend Myra. I think this is number 34 or 35. In the beginning we raced through hundreds of years of English history but now we've slowed down a lot. I'm hoping we go back and fill in some of those early years. There really were huge gaps there say in the 15th century or 17th century.
The books follow an English family through 500 years of history and you get to know them all and the branches of the family and through their experiences you get a really good feel for the historic period they are experiencing. Toni says she falls asleep counting Morlands instead of sheep. I long ago lost track of who is related to whom, but the names are all familiar to me as I start reading. Sometimes I wish I had Toni's mind - she knows all the stories and when references are made to trivia in them she picks up on them. Tonight when I was reading there was a trivia reference but I couldn't remember what it was. Something about the footings of a house in the middle of a field. I suspect that house was important centuries ago............
Sometimes, I pick up a random book in the Morland series and just read it for fun. But I guess it's a weird addiction we have.
To change the subject - maybe I should change the heading? I'm trying to learn the in's and out's of my new video camera called a Flip. It's very small and takes nice videos which you can watch on the computer screen, or attach to the TV and watch them there. There's lots of things you can do with editing, emails, making stills, etc. Unfortunately, there is NOT a good instruction book to go with it and I'm learning more from emails from my friend Arlene, than anything the company provides.
There are a lot of assumptions made about working with electronic devices. Like push "yes" when there is not a"yes" button. People who are really good at working with electronic devices know what "yes" buttons might be....me - I need it to say "YES". But I'm getting the hang of it.
I got it mostly for the grandchildren's birthday parties and I have some nice shots of Micah at his and Dahlia at hers. The parents worked so hard to make the parties nice. I guess I used to do that too - baking and decorating cakes, planning games and decorations etc. I used to hire our baby sitter to play games with the kids that way I could talk to the Mom's.
Kelly has some really good friends who went to a lot of trouble to make a couple of dozen assorted cupcakes with fancy decorations on them. Pure sugar! But very pretty. Plus they had the party in the garden which is very pretty with all kinds of different levels for tables, chairs and umbrellas and lots of flowers blooming helter skelter. I should have taken more pictures of the setting. There was also great food - and I'm not sure what Kelly made and what her friends made. I enjoyed a red cabbage slaw and the BBQ chicken was wonderful.
Dahlia was very cute and quite composed about all the fuss. She doesn't get rattled easily - she's not particularly clingy and she likes the camera. Mia used to too. Gary said my grandkids "loved" the camera and the camera "loved" them. Dahlia doesn't get whiny or cry a lot - which given that she is only 2 is surprising. That's why I say she's quite composed and not fussy. As long as she doesn't take a fall, you hardly hear her cry. She talks quite a bit, but I'm not always so good at figuring out what she's saying.
Dahlia got some great gifts too. They have wonderful things for kids today - really creative and stimulating toys. Makes ME want to sit down and play with them.
Maybe I'll send them, Rose and Gary, pictures of the kid's parties. I don't know that they are interested, but then maybe they are. It's a little uncomfortable because they have no grandkids so I don't want to rub it in - but I do love mine and like to share them in photographic displays.
I miss Micah. He's so cute and responsive, and I was hoping to Skype him when we got home so we could reinforce who we were but we haven't done it yet and it's been a week we're back. It's so weird - you look forward so long to these events, or a trip and then - it's over! You hardly have a chance to savor it. I hope I'm around for Micah's Bar Mitzvah - speaking of events to look forward to.
Speaking of which - I'm worried my Bat Mitzvah is going to be a disorganized mess. Judith (the teacher) doesn't seem to have much organization or control. She says one thing - like we'll practice the service every week, and then it doesn't happen. Half the class isn't showing up consistently and I KNOW they don't know their stuff. And even if they do, we should be practicing on the beema so we know the choreography of all of us moving about the "stage".
I know we have a couple of months, but in my opinion, we should be getting this down pat.
We're still mulling over - should we say this or that? When should we say it? And the people who aren't here are sure to have opinons. And don't get me started on planning the invitations and lunch.
At least F hasn't dropped out of the class - which Madame X was threatening (since they are joined at the hip). Madame X didn't show up but she had said she wasn't going to "waste her time practicing the service" she was going to spend it learning her Torah portion. The problem is the I've seen her in action when she hasn't "practiced" and it annoyed the hell out of me. The service was just a jumble - some of it due to J "leading" and not being prepared. Another reason I'm nervous about how this is going to come off.
I keep trying to "turn it over" - and tell myself that it's not a "performance" it's a prayer service. But I want the prayer performed smoothly and with meaning - I don't want a lot of tripping over each other and false starts. So here I am trying to "control" again. I have to remind myself that it's me and 9 other women - so I have NO control and not much voice in how things are going to play out.
So - let it go - it will be what it will be. Good night.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
If if's and and's were pots and pans
Once again, I'm sleepless. Am I anxious? Are thoughts tumbling through my brain raising my anxiety level? NO - I just can't sleep. It's like my body has forgotten how.
There is pain - but I don't think that's what wakes me up - I just notice it when I can't sleep.
I don't know what I'm going to do about the pain. The MD said there was no arthritis in that hip (they took an Xray a week or so ago).
The surgeon said "There can't be any pain coming from the back, it's all fused." Ergo, I'm not feeling any pain.
I've tried all kinds of pain medication and they have side effects which are worse than the pain - in my opinion. So I'm going to try and contact the doctor that did cortisone shots in my back.
He's a pompous prick, but he does do a good job with that and I'll just have to grin and bear it.
The reason I say he's a PP is because he talks about himself the whole time - about how wonderful he is and how successful and admirable.....really? Well, maybe it's all true, but while he was doing this he was jabbing 8 inch needles into my back and totally ignoring the fact that I was in a lot of pain. The wonderful nurse pointed out to him "I think she's hurting." Duh!
So unless I want to increase the pain, I can't exercise or walk much. That drives me nuts. I'm not one for sitting still unless I'm reading and I can't read all the time. I do spend a lot of time on the computer but I'm not that skilled or interested that I want to spend hours social networking - I'm just not into that.
Journaling is fun - but again it's rather self absorbed and of limited value. So blah blah blah -
I hurt - therefor I am. And I didn't sign up for this kind of old age!! I had planned to travel to distant places and/or explore the Galapagos and Manchu Pichu. Or at the very least, volunteer to help out in poor communities. Something!
I'm also getting scared about the future - I don't see anything good. My husband will be 80 this year. I'm afraid of losing him - and I see that all the time around me. Widows. Or I could go first - I'm in no hurry, but the process of dying is scary - not death but dying. If I had my druthers I don't want to go like my Mom, lingering in a convalescent home for years - non compus mentis. But it would seem I have little or no control how these years will be spent and with whom.
I think this part of aging is unknown territory. The sense of being out of control of your own destiny - the feeling that you are deteriorating mentally and physically and can't control that.
The sense that there is no "future"; no worthwhile goals; no productivity to make one feel useful in the world. This is where grandchildren come in - they make it all worthwhile and I only hope I'm around to take pleasure in THEIR achievements. My goal is to make it to Micah's Bar Mitzvah as I"m pretty sure Carol intends him to go that way. Hell, right now I'm hoping to make it to my own Bat Mitzvah in August.
So "if I could only walk" or "if only I had more energy"....are useless maunderings. It is what it is and I have to make the best of it.
There is pain - but I don't think that's what wakes me up - I just notice it when I can't sleep.
I don't know what I'm going to do about the pain. The MD said there was no arthritis in that hip (they took an Xray a week or so ago).
The surgeon said "There can't be any pain coming from the back, it's all fused." Ergo, I'm not feeling any pain.
I've tried all kinds of pain medication and they have side effects which are worse than the pain - in my opinion. So I'm going to try and contact the doctor that did cortisone shots in my back.
He's a pompous prick, but he does do a good job with that and I'll just have to grin and bear it.
The reason I say he's a PP is because he talks about himself the whole time - about how wonderful he is and how successful and admirable.....really? Well, maybe it's all true, but while he was doing this he was jabbing 8 inch needles into my back and totally ignoring the fact that I was in a lot of pain. The wonderful nurse pointed out to him "I think she's hurting." Duh!
So unless I want to increase the pain, I can't exercise or walk much. That drives me nuts. I'm not one for sitting still unless I'm reading and I can't read all the time. I do spend a lot of time on the computer but I'm not that skilled or interested that I want to spend hours social networking - I'm just not into that.
Journaling is fun - but again it's rather self absorbed and of limited value. So blah blah blah -
I hurt - therefor I am. And I didn't sign up for this kind of old age!! I had planned to travel to distant places and/or explore the Galapagos and Manchu Pichu. Or at the very least, volunteer to help out in poor communities. Something!
I'm also getting scared about the future - I don't see anything good. My husband will be 80 this year. I'm afraid of losing him - and I see that all the time around me. Widows. Or I could go first - I'm in no hurry, but the process of dying is scary - not death but dying. If I had my druthers I don't want to go like my Mom, lingering in a convalescent home for years - non compus mentis. But it would seem I have little or no control how these years will be spent and with whom.
I think this part of aging is unknown territory. The sense of being out of control of your own destiny - the feeling that you are deteriorating mentally and physically and can't control that.
The sense that there is no "future"; no worthwhile goals; no productivity to make one feel useful in the world. This is where grandchildren come in - they make it all worthwhile and I only hope I'm around to take pleasure in THEIR achievements. My goal is to make it to Micah's Bar Mitzvah as I"m pretty sure Carol intends him to go that way. Hell, right now I'm hoping to make it to my own Bat Mitzvah in August.
So "if I could only walk" or "if only I had more energy"....are useless maunderings. It is what it is and I have to make the best of it.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Travel and Steps
Just came back from a visit to Albuquerque where we went for my grandson's first birthday.
He is one cute little guy. He's already walking pretty solidly and he says a word or two clearly - and lots of "talk" which sounds like it might be words but isn't understandable. His Mom talked well and early - at 18 months she was talking in sentances - maybe paragraphs. So maybe he takes after her.
It's so much fun to be around babies. I love to hold them, hug them, kiss them, play with them.
I'm really just a baby at heart myself. I roll on the floor (at least I try to) and chase them on all fours. What was I thinking? I'll be 73 this summer. I can't roll on the floor and chase toddlers - can I? Well, it doesn't stop me it just ups my intake of ibuprofen. I hope I don't hurt myself.
Both my little grandchildren are "solid" little people. I don't know exactly what they weigh but Micah feels like about 25 lbs. and Dahlia more. I know I can't carry Dahlia any distance and certainly not up stairs - I can barely lift my own weight up stairs. Fortunately Carol doesn't have any stairs at her house. Although the house actually belongs to Lisa.
It was a good trip and lots of partying. There was a dinner party on Micah's birthday, and a BBQ on the next day and the following day was Mother's Day and we went to a nice buffet restaurant. I did well with my food plan. I was able to make good choices from the buffet and Carol had plenty of food around which fills my food plan needs and I wasn't tempted to try the birthday cake (well, maybe a crumb or two). That's always an issue when traveling - will I get the food items I need to make me feel full and comfortable without straying into foods that set me off binging? It seems like the whole world works on carbohydrates that don't work for me.
There's always rice, noodles or pasta, bread or tortillas, etc. I tried eating blue tortillas and they didn't taste all that wonderful but they also didn't set me off.
It's always difficult being with my kids. I want to respect them and their space but I find myself also wanting to do things my way - because, of course, my way is sooo much better, more efficient or whatever. I have to pretend I'm visiting strangers and be very polite and respectfull.
That works better. If I'm too familiar and help myself to things or do things without asking, I tread on feelings which may or may not be parental/child conflict areas - but in any case, I don't want to go there.
My sponsor and I have been at loggerheads about my Step 8. That's making a list of all the people I owe amends to and then making amends. I've been stuck and she's been impatient with me - wants me to do it her way - so I finally "fired" her today. We broke up amicably. I may even ask her to sponsor me again in the future. I've learned a lot from her. More than I ever thought possible but we were stuck on Step 8.
Does it mean I've never done anything I regret and need to apologize for? No, I just can't remember what that might be. I guess I've blocked it out because of the pain, shame and guilt associated with that kind of thing. But, also, I've tried very hard not to step on people's toes, to apologize immediately (or soon) when I think I may have offended someone. After all, I learned that in this program 30 years ago.
Does that mean I haven't done anything since? Well probably, but someone will have to tell me that I've stepped on their toes - I sure as heck don't know it.
He is one cute little guy. He's already walking pretty solidly and he says a word or two clearly - and lots of "talk" which sounds like it might be words but isn't understandable. His Mom talked well and early - at 18 months she was talking in sentances - maybe paragraphs. So maybe he takes after her.
It's so much fun to be around babies. I love to hold them, hug them, kiss them, play with them.
I'm really just a baby at heart myself. I roll on the floor (at least I try to) and chase them on all fours. What was I thinking? I'll be 73 this summer. I can't roll on the floor and chase toddlers - can I? Well, it doesn't stop me it just ups my intake of ibuprofen. I hope I don't hurt myself.
Both my little grandchildren are "solid" little people. I don't know exactly what they weigh but Micah feels like about 25 lbs. and Dahlia more. I know I can't carry Dahlia any distance and certainly not up stairs - I can barely lift my own weight up stairs. Fortunately Carol doesn't have any stairs at her house. Although the house actually belongs to Lisa.
It was a good trip and lots of partying. There was a dinner party on Micah's birthday, and a BBQ on the next day and the following day was Mother's Day and we went to a nice buffet restaurant. I did well with my food plan. I was able to make good choices from the buffet and Carol had plenty of food around which fills my food plan needs and I wasn't tempted to try the birthday cake (well, maybe a crumb or two). That's always an issue when traveling - will I get the food items I need to make me feel full and comfortable without straying into foods that set me off binging? It seems like the whole world works on carbohydrates that don't work for me.
There's always rice, noodles or pasta, bread or tortillas, etc. I tried eating blue tortillas and they didn't taste all that wonderful but they also didn't set me off.
It's always difficult being with my kids. I want to respect them and their space but I find myself also wanting to do things my way - because, of course, my way is sooo much better, more efficient or whatever. I have to pretend I'm visiting strangers and be very polite and respectfull.
That works better. If I'm too familiar and help myself to things or do things without asking, I tread on feelings which may or may not be parental/child conflict areas - but in any case, I don't want to go there.
My sponsor and I have been at loggerheads about my Step 8. That's making a list of all the people I owe amends to and then making amends. I've been stuck and she's been impatient with me - wants me to do it her way - so I finally "fired" her today. We broke up amicably. I may even ask her to sponsor me again in the future. I've learned a lot from her. More than I ever thought possible but we were stuck on Step 8.
Does it mean I've never done anything I regret and need to apologize for? No, I just can't remember what that might be. I guess I've blocked it out because of the pain, shame and guilt associated with that kind of thing. But, also, I've tried very hard not to step on people's toes, to apologize immediately (or soon) when I think I may have offended someone. After all, I learned that in this program 30 years ago.
Does that mean I haven't done anything since? Well probably, but someone will have to tell me that I've stepped on their toes - I sure as heck don't know it.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Dealing with People
It seems that no matter how old I get, I still have difficulties with some people and handle it badly - or at least get all upset over it.
I've been studying for my adult Bat Mitzvah - a little late, but nevertheless. There are 10 women in the class ranging in age from I'd guess about 40 to 72 (that last being ME).
From the beginning one of the women has annoyed the hell out of me. She presents herself as an "expert" and frequently mentions how she attends every Friday night and often on Saturdays too - so she is definitely "holier than thou".
She and her friend, also in the class - are in the Temple Choir - and so know all the music and prayers associated with music.
She has constantly tried to impose her views of what prayers we should say, how we should say or sing them, what melodies we should sing them too. When it came time to distribute who did what prayers or sang what songs, she would jump right in and "grab" the most favorite songs, and prayers. Especially MINE. I held back because I was trying to be Mrs. Nice Guy but there was no holding this individual back and I also blame the teacher, because she didn't intervene and say "let's let someone else have this opportunity" or "Let's go around the room and each person take one thing they would really like to do." No - when Madame X jumped in, the instructor went "OK".
Finally, even the instructor had had enough and put a stop to it when she wanted to lift the Torah as well as everything else. But, it was too late. I counted that she had 2/3 of the prayers, songs and Torah reading. I felt like it was Madame X's Bat Mitzvah and we were the backup singers. I said to her on a couple of occasions - politely I thought (but probably not) "Why don't you have your own Bat Mitzvah and then you can do all the things you want."
There were many more obstructive and diversionary things she brought up. Frequently debating with the instructor on what was the "correct" way to do things or how to pronounce things. She was also taking Hebrew lessons and there is a difference between modern Hebrew and prayerbook Hebrew but telling her that was a weekly endeavor.
She also had the charming habit of singing to herself while other people were trying to read their Hebrew portion and had to be told several times not to do that as it was rude and distracting. She always apologizes immediately - but then does it again, and again.
As we progressed, it became clearer and clearer that her self involvement excluded us, our needs and our interests. She got into an argument with the instructor who wanted her to have her Torah portion completed by the end of June so we could move forward in rehearsals for the whole service.
This all came to a head last weekend when she announced via email that she didn't want to waste her time (her valuable time) rehearsing with us doing prayers she already knew when she needed to be practicing her Torah reading (of which she had insisted on having the longest part). I sent a return email suggesting that being a part of the group had it's own dynamic and meaning. Well, the rocket went up then when we got to class. Apparently my email was the grenade that launched her as she interpreted it as being mean and nasty. She brought up our long history of friction and sent me a nasty email when she got home listing all my failings which were mostly that I didn't go along with her.
Several people in the class have jumped her quite vigorously for her behaviour and attitude but I notice she didn't mention them - just me. And for me, it's an opportunity to recoil with guilt.
Am I really that mean and nasty? Did I really intend a jibe at her? Actually, I tried very hard to be gentle with her when what I felt was like ripping her scalp off. I chose my words carefully; I tried not to attack, just to state my case and feelings. But the upshot was she ran out of the room crying and rebuffed me when when I tried to stop her and say we really need to talk.
Actually, I don't think talking will do us any good. We are too far apart. I don't deny that I like things the way I like things, but I am willing to flex to accommodate other people but I don't feel as though Madame X even has thought of the possibility that other people need to be considered.
I am also annoyed because the instructor has asked me a couple of times to write emails to this individual making nice - or to forward her emails where I've said something the instructor feels would make her feel better. I somehow doubt she is telling Madame X the same thing so I feel like I'm being asked to make all the conciliatory moves when I don't feel like I'm the person who caused the problem in the first place.
This all sounds very self serving. Methinks I protest too much. But see, this is my problem. I asked the other people if they felt I was too hard on Madame X, or if I contributed to this problem and they say "No, she brought this on herself." But I still feel guilty because I don't like her - so maybe I was hard on her. Nah!
So now she has what she wants - the instructor told her she needn't show up for rehearsals as long as she is there for the last four rehearsals before the Bnai Mitzvah (Bnai is plural). Now do you think she's going to be ready - or do you think she's going to argue, do her own thing and here's my big fear "Sing along with ME" when it's my turn to read Torah. She says she knows everyone's part! ?
There is another episode which affects me - some time ago on a Musical Shabbat night she - Madame X - and her friend were to do the musical part of the evening service. Several times they started singing but were singing different melodies, so they broke down in giggles and started over. They had not planned or practiced. I was mad! and I mentioned this in class. (for which I apologized) but ...Saying you know it, is not the same as being able to do it as that Friday night showed - but Madame X threw my own words back at me that it wasn't a performance but a prayer....so I guess the giggles were prayerful.
I know I'm a perfectionist, but I really don't want this Bnai Mitzvah marred by this kind of thing. I want us all to know our parts to the best of our ability - and everyone doesn't need to have the same ability but they do need the same intention. That is a service with serious intent to which we give our best. But I shouldn't have brought up the subject of the Friday night service - especially as the Instructor was also running that service and was only slightly more prepared than the singers.
I'm trying to "turn this over" and let go of it. I will do my part and try to let go of the outcome.
I know I can't control other people, or other people's behaviour - but G-d knows, I keep trying.
So if I have anything to pray for it is the ability to let go. As they say "let go and let G-d" - He/She can only be laughing at the foibles of well meaning people.
I've been studying for my adult Bat Mitzvah - a little late, but nevertheless. There are 10 women in the class ranging in age from I'd guess about 40 to 72 (that last being ME).
From the beginning one of the women has annoyed the hell out of me. She presents herself as an "expert" and frequently mentions how she attends every Friday night and often on Saturdays too - so she is definitely "holier than thou".
She and her friend, also in the class - are in the Temple Choir - and so know all the music and prayers associated with music.
She has constantly tried to impose her views of what prayers we should say, how we should say or sing them, what melodies we should sing them too. When it came time to distribute who did what prayers or sang what songs, she would jump right in and "grab" the most favorite songs, and prayers. Especially MINE. I held back because I was trying to be Mrs. Nice Guy but there was no holding this individual back and I also blame the teacher, because she didn't intervene and say "let's let someone else have this opportunity" or "Let's go around the room and each person take one thing they would really like to do." No - when Madame X jumped in, the instructor went "OK".
Finally, even the instructor had had enough and put a stop to it when she wanted to lift the Torah as well as everything else. But, it was too late. I counted that she had 2/3 of the prayers, songs and Torah reading. I felt like it was Madame X's Bat Mitzvah and we were the backup singers. I said to her on a couple of occasions - politely I thought (but probably not) "Why don't you have your own Bat Mitzvah and then you can do all the things you want."
There were many more obstructive and diversionary things she brought up. Frequently debating with the instructor on what was the "correct" way to do things or how to pronounce things. She was also taking Hebrew lessons and there is a difference between modern Hebrew and prayerbook Hebrew but telling her that was a weekly endeavor.
She also had the charming habit of singing to herself while other people were trying to read their Hebrew portion and had to be told several times not to do that as it was rude and distracting. She always apologizes immediately - but then does it again, and again.
As we progressed, it became clearer and clearer that her self involvement excluded us, our needs and our interests. She got into an argument with the instructor who wanted her to have her Torah portion completed by the end of June so we could move forward in rehearsals for the whole service.
This all came to a head last weekend when she announced via email that she didn't want to waste her time (her valuable time) rehearsing with us doing prayers she already knew when she needed to be practicing her Torah reading (of which she had insisted on having the longest part). I sent a return email suggesting that being a part of the group had it's own dynamic and meaning. Well, the rocket went up then when we got to class. Apparently my email was the grenade that launched her as she interpreted it as being mean and nasty. She brought up our long history of friction and sent me a nasty email when she got home listing all my failings which were mostly that I didn't go along with her.
Several people in the class have jumped her quite vigorously for her behaviour and attitude but I notice she didn't mention them - just me. And for me, it's an opportunity to recoil with guilt.
Am I really that mean and nasty? Did I really intend a jibe at her? Actually, I tried very hard to be gentle with her when what I felt was like ripping her scalp off. I chose my words carefully; I tried not to attack, just to state my case and feelings. But the upshot was she ran out of the room crying and rebuffed me when when I tried to stop her and say we really need to talk.
Actually, I don't think talking will do us any good. We are too far apart. I don't deny that I like things the way I like things, but I am willing to flex to accommodate other people but I don't feel as though Madame X even has thought of the possibility that other people need to be considered.
I am also annoyed because the instructor has asked me a couple of times to write emails to this individual making nice - or to forward her emails where I've said something the instructor feels would make her feel better. I somehow doubt she is telling Madame X the same thing so I feel like I'm being asked to make all the conciliatory moves when I don't feel like I'm the person who caused the problem in the first place.
This all sounds very self serving. Methinks I protest too much. But see, this is my problem. I asked the other people if they felt I was too hard on Madame X, or if I contributed to this problem and they say "No, she brought this on herself." But I still feel guilty because I don't like her - so maybe I was hard on her. Nah!
So now she has what she wants - the instructor told her she needn't show up for rehearsals as long as she is there for the last four rehearsals before the Bnai Mitzvah (Bnai is plural). Now do you think she's going to be ready - or do you think she's going to argue, do her own thing and here's my big fear "Sing along with ME" when it's my turn to read Torah. She says she knows everyone's part! ?
There is another episode which affects me - some time ago on a Musical Shabbat night she - Madame X - and her friend were to do the musical part of the evening service. Several times they started singing but were singing different melodies, so they broke down in giggles and started over. They had not planned or practiced. I was mad! and I mentioned this in class. (for which I apologized) but ...Saying you know it, is not the same as being able to do it as that Friday night showed - but Madame X threw my own words back at me that it wasn't a performance but a prayer....so I guess the giggles were prayerful.
I know I'm a perfectionist, but I really don't want this Bnai Mitzvah marred by this kind of thing. I want us all to know our parts to the best of our ability - and everyone doesn't need to have the same ability but they do need the same intention. That is a service with serious intent to which we give our best. But I shouldn't have brought up the subject of the Friday night service - especially as the Instructor was also running that service and was only slightly more prepared than the singers.
I'm trying to "turn this over" and let go of it. I will do my part and try to let go of the outcome.
I know I can't control other people, or other people's behaviour - but G-d knows, I keep trying.
So if I have anything to pray for it is the ability to let go. As they say "let go and let G-d" - He/She can only be laughing at the foibles of well meaning people.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Would you believe hands?
I've written before about aging. It's not what I expected, planned on or seems fair.
I did not sign up for a bad back, hip problems, a bad knee, fibromyalgia and polymyalgia rheumatica. Actually, I unsubscribe to those diagnosis.
Now I'm dealing with another old lady malady.
For years I was a home health nurse. Some of the universal threads of doing this kind of work is a certain smell that entering the home of an older patient entails. Sometimes it's urine, or fecal or kind of a musty moldy smell and frequently overlaid with a menthol or eucalyptus "scent".
I shouldn't complain really. I found something that works for me and greatly reduces the pain in my hands - a recent development. I guess I hadn't mentioned that my hands had been hurting so much I couldn't sleep. They ache - sometimes burn. They feel swollen (but aren't), the fingers won't bend and if I force them the pain is increased. My hands, particularly my right hand, have no strength. Tearing a cardboard box the other day was a Herculean effort.
BUT - I remembered I had some cream which I had ordered long ago for my back and so, in spite of a smell strong enough to kill dogs, I used it and it worked! Viola! the pain subsided by about 75% - on a 1-10 scale, what had been a 7 or 8 was now a 2!! Wow!
Now I know why they use the stuff in spite of the smell and why the smell permeates everything~~ it works!. I bought the stuff from Dr. Leonard's catalog when my back was really bad and it did help, but the pain was so diffuse that I needed a paint roller to spread it to all the afflicted areas - plus the first reaction to the cream is COLD and that made my back hurt worse
initially. So I put the cream away (too frugal to throw it out) and so there it was there for my hands.
Do you know how important hands are? Any clue why there are all these statement about a "helping hand", or "getting a hand up", or a "handout" or a zillion other handy (see) statements.
I was always a "handy" person - I cook, bake, clean, garden, love, diaper babies, sew, needlepoint, knit socks, drive, play piano, paint and draw - I can't have crippled hands! I just can't.
Well, as long as Dr. Leonard's blue (smelly) gel works I can do all those things. So what's a little smell between friends?
I did not sign up for a bad back, hip problems, a bad knee, fibromyalgia and polymyalgia rheumatica. Actually, I unsubscribe to those diagnosis.
Now I'm dealing with another old lady malady.
For years I was a home health nurse. Some of the universal threads of doing this kind of work is a certain smell that entering the home of an older patient entails. Sometimes it's urine, or fecal or kind of a musty moldy smell and frequently overlaid with a menthol or eucalyptus "scent".
I shouldn't complain really. I found something that works for me and greatly reduces the pain in my hands - a recent development. I guess I hadn't mentioned that my hands had been hurting so much I couldn't sleep. They ache - sometimes burn. They feel swollen (but aren't), the fingers won't bend and if I force them the pain is increased. My hands, particularly my right hand, have no strength. Tearing a cardboard box the other day was a Herculean effort.
BUT - I remembered I had some cream which I had ordered long ago for my back and so, in spite of a smell strong enough to kill dogs, I used it and it worked! Viola! the pain subsided by about 75% - on a 1-10 scale, what had been a 7 or 8 was now a 2!! Wow!
Now I know why they use the stuff in spite of the smell and why the smell permeates everything~~ it works!. I bought the stuff from Dr. Leonard's catalog when my back was really bad and it did help, but the pain was so diffuse that I needed a paint roller to spread it to all the afflicted areas - plus the first reaction to the cream is COLD and that made my back hurt worse
initially. So I put the cream away (too frugal to throw it out) and so there it was there for my hands.
Do you know how important hands are? Any clue why there are all these statement about a "helping hand", or "getting a hand up", or a "handout" or a zillion other handy (see) statements.
I was always a "handy" person - I cook, bake, clean, garden, love, diaper babies, sew, needlepoint, knit socks, drive, play piano, paint and draw - I can't have crippled hands! I just can't.
Well, as long as Dr. Leonard's blue (smelly) gel works I can do all those things. So what's a little smell between friends?
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