Dealing with People

It seems that no matter how old I get, I still have difficulties with some people and handle it badly - or at least get all upset over it.

I've been studying for my adult Bat Mitzvah - a little late, but nevertheless. There are 10 women in the class ranging in age from I'd guess about 40 to 72 (that last being ME).

From the beginning one of the women has annoyed the hell out of me. She presents herself as an "expert" and frequently mentions how she attends every Friday night and often on Saturdays too - so she is definitely "holier than thou".

She and her friend, also in the class - are in the Temple Choir - and so know all the music and prayers associated with music.

She has constantly tried to impose her views of what prayers we should say, how we should say or sing them, what melodies we should sing them too. When it came time to distribute who did what prayers or sang what songs, she would jump right in and "grab" the most favorite songs, and prayers. Especially MINE. I held back because I was trying to be Mrs. Nice Guy but there was no holding this individual back and I also blame the teacher, because she didn't intervene and say "let's let someone else have this opportunity" or "Let's go around the room and each person take one thing they would really like to do." No - when Madame X jumped in, the instructor went "OK".

Finally, even the instructor had had enough and put a stop to it when she wanted to lift the Torah as well as everything else. But, it was too late. I counted that she had 2/3 of the prayers, songs and Torah reading. I felt like it was Madame X's Bat Mitzvah and we were the backup singers. I said to her on a couple of occasions - politely I thought (but probably not) "Why don't you have your own Bat Mitzvah and then you can do all the things you want."

There were many more obstructive and diversionary things she brought up. Frequently debating with the instructor on what was the "correct" way to do things or how to pronounce things. She was also taking Hebrew lessons and there is a difference between modern Hebrew and prayerbook Hebrew but telling her that was a weekly endeavor.

She also had the charming habit of singing to herself while other people were trying to read their Hebrew portion and had to be told several times not to do that as it was rude and distracting. She always apologizes immediately - but then does it again, and again.

As we progressed, it became clearer and clearer that her self involvement excluded us, our needs and our interests. She got into an argument with the instructor who wanted her to have her Torah portion completed by the end of June so we could move forward in rehearsals for the whole service.

This all came to a head last weekend when she announced via email that she didn't want to waste her time (her valuable time) rehearsing with us doing prayers she already knew when she needed to be practicing her Torah reading (of which she had insisted on having the longest part). I sent a return email suggesting that being a part of the group had it's own dynamic and meaning. Well, the rocket went up then when we got to class. Apparently my email was the grenade that launched her as she interpreted it as being mean and nasty. She brought up our long history of friction and sent me a nasty email when she got home listing all my failings which were mostly that I didn't go along with her.

Several people in the class have jumped her quite vigorously for her behaviour and attitude but I notice she didn't mention them - just me. And for me, it's an opportunity to recoil with guilt.
Am I really that mean and nasty? Did I really intend a jibe at her? Actually, I tried very hard to be gentle with her when what I felt was like ripping her scalp off. I chose my words carefully; I tried not to attack, just to state my case and feelings. But the upshot was she ran out of the room crying and rebuffed me when when I tried to stop her and say we really need to talk.

Actually, I don't think talking will do us any good. We are too far apart. I don't deny that I like things the way I like things, but I am willing to flex to accommodate other people but I don't feel as though Madame X even has thought of the possibility that other people need to be considered.

I am also annoyed because the instructor has asked me a couple of times to write emails to this individual making nice - or to forward her emails where I've said something the instructor feels would make her feel better. I somehow doubt she is telling Madame X the same thing so I feel like I'm being asked to make all the conciliatory moves when I don't feel like I'm the person who caused the problem in the first place.

This all sounds very self serving. Methinks I protest too much. But see, this is my problem. I asked the other people if they felt I was too hard on Madame X, or if I contributed to this problem and they say "No, she brought this on herself." But I still feel guilty because I don't like her - so maybe I was hard on her. Nah!

So now she has what she wants - the instructor told her she needn't show up for rehearsals as long as she is there for the last four rehearsals before the Bnai Mitzvah (Bnai is plural). Now do you think she's going to be ready - or do you think she's going to argue, do her own thing and here's my big fear "Sing along with ME" when it's my turn to read Torah. She says she knows everyone's part! ?

There is another episode which affects me - some time ago on a Musical Shabbat night she - Madame X - and her friend were to do the musical part of the evening service. Several times they started singing but were singing different melodies, so they broke down in giggles and started over. They had not planned or practiced. I was mad! and I mentioned this in class. (for which I apologized) but ...Saying you know it, is not the same as being able to do it as that Friday night showed - but Madame X threw my own words back at me that it wasn't a performance but a prayer....so I guess the giggles were prayerful.

I know I'm a perfectionist, but I really don't want this Bnai Mitzvah marred by this kind of thing. I want us all to know our parts to the best of our ability - and everyone doesn't need to have the same ability but they do need the same intention. That is a service with serious intent to which we give our best. But I shouldn't have brought up the subject of the Friday night service - especially as the Instructor was also running that service and was only slightly more prepared than the singers.

I'm trying to "turn this over" and let go of it. I will do my part and try to let go of the outcome.
I know I can't control other people, or other people's behaviour - but G-d knows, I keep trying.
So if I have anything to pray for it is the ability to let go. As they say "let go and let G-d" - He/She can only be laughing at the foibles of well meaning people.