Self definition

Years ago, I was asked, along with the rest of a class, to write the titles that define me. It was thought provoking - what was I? Daughter, wife, mother, housewive, student etc. etc.

Now it seems that every few years this subject comes up again - and I've noticed a strange thing. New things get added on - nothing much gets dropped off - oh, maybe housewive - I do as little of that as possible. But, I've added Jew which I never would have back then even though it's a core part of me.

See, where and when I grew up, you kept a low profile. You mixed in as much as possible. You made no waves. Among ourselves, we were proud when a Jew was successful and filled with shame when one of ours was a villain. And you certainly never brought that part of your identity up in a situation where you were not sure of how that would be met.

I've added a new adjective which I don't share with everybody. That is "compulsive overeater". I'm not proud of it. But it is a part of me and has been a difficult part to deal with. Not everyone understand the strange compulsion to eat until you are bursting and then want more. Definitely not normal. Or in my case, the eating of leftovers (while the dog whose dinner they should have been looked on sadly), or
hiding things that I know everyone else will want if they know it's in the house.

But, the good news is I've added a modifier "recovering". Isn't that nice. I'm not in the throes of my addictive behaviour. I'm recovering - trust me this is not something I've done or am doing alone. It takes a lot of effort to go to meetings, call my sponsor, read supportive books, write journals etc. etc. But SOOOO worthwhile.

Even the Jewish part of me, not only is it overt but it's practicing. I actually go to services and enjoy them - look forward to them. I look forward to taking more Hebrew classes so I can follow along in the prayers - I'm not sure I want to understand the prayers because my "rational" brain clicks in and starts arguing then.
"Some shepherd and protector YOU turned out to be." "Worship and obey" oh puleeze.
But given the ancient and evocative unknowable words, I can open myself to a spirituality as though I were linked with some universal force. It's hard to explain but I think of it as "plugging into electricity - it doesn't work unless you plug into it" and one way of doing that is prayer - or meditation.

I find myself surprised at those changes - I guess I thought that at some point I was set into concrete - "grown up". But change goes on all the time - sometimes unexpected ones - like having to deal with chronic pain - or becoming more religious. I guess this goes on until I die. ... I hope so. I like the idea of growing as a person very muh.