I don't know if it has something to do with my history but I can always find something to worry about and I can get downright creative about it.
Toni has found a place to move to here in Santa Rosa and we had all been getting kind of worried that it wouldn't work out.
I had no idea of the scarcity of rentals, and the competition there was for those few rentals. We looked at, at least, 8-10 potential rentals. Some close by which would have been very nice. Some which were rural slums. Others which were incomprehensible - like no heat - really no heating system. Oh yes, there's a fire place. Or, 3 bedroom and two baths in 1040 square feet - you can't imagine how tight that is.
It's a really nice townhome they found. In a complex with a pools and tennis courts.
It's not huge - but compared to some we looked at it's downright spacious at 1500 square feet.
It's on the other side of town from us - but it's no more that a 20 min. drive so it's not like Texas. Still, fantasies about walking over for coffee are down the drain - they probably wouldn't have worked out anyway.
It's relief, although we were ready to do it, not to have them move in with us for several weeks or months. Our house is big enough, but we are used to doing things our way and in our own time and being on our own schedule and that would have been hard to do with four extra people in the house.
So what am I worried about - you name it. I'm worried that we'll be too close; that we'll have expectations of Sunday or Friday night dinners; that Toni will bike ride on some of those crazy country roads where cars go way to fast and there's no shoulder for cyclists to stay out of their way. That the kids won't want to go places with us - after all they are older now and will have their own activities and friends. That they will want to go places with us and we will lose some of our independance.
As I write the above, I can see how crazy I am - but all things are possible and I've never felt immune or safe from bad things happening. That's probably at the crux of my anxieties. I've know people who have had problems with their families and are alienated from them and even gone through periods with my own kids where I've felt like we don't exist for them.
I read the papers and hear about accidents
that make me think "there but for the grace of G-d........" I guess it all comes from a basic insecurity and that cloud of nameless dread that I grew up with.
After all, my Dad did die of cancer at 46. My Mom did marry some jerk that a matchmaker set her up with (because her big brother told her to - really!) She did re-marry a nice man who liked to paw little girls. Yup, safety was not the name of the game where I come from.
When I met Morey I knew instinctively that here was a decent man who would take care of me and I was right. He is solid and doesn't have flights of imagination that take him to scary places so he keeps me centered and sane (even when HE drive me nuts). And I was right! The things that upset and frighten me in the papers, he is rational about. And the things that I worry about and are unlikely to happen, he gives me the statistics on. It's what we worry warts need, or at least this one.
Thank G-d for rational, unimaginative men who want to take care of their families and keep them safe.
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