And the Band plays on

I think I'm nuts.

I've spent a small fortune on clothes for this Bat Mitzvah - not because I want to either - well, I guess I must want to - I'm doing it.

I didn't want all white - I'm a retired nurse and spent 25 years in white uniforms so all white just doesn't appeal to me. But it wasn't like anyone there in that class listens to anything I say. I'm old, I'm fat and I'm clueless (apparently).

So they decided "all white" - except of course, my nemisis who is wearing grey.
At first I thought, "Oh well, I'll go along with the group." I bought a "nice" white T shirt and skirt from Ross. But then I thought - "my leg brace will be out there in the open for all to see, and it's ugly" so I thought I'd better get pants.
The pants when they arrived were cream, so I bought a nice cream and lavender top to go with them. Then I saw pictures of the "wedding" dresses the other were wearing - or at least a couple of the others - and felt I'll look like a jerk in a T shirt and pants. So I ordered a really fancy white blouse with cutout design on it (which I haven't received yet) only to think "Oh no, I'll need white white pants to go with that." So off I went to find the only pair of white white pants in Santa Rosa in my size (one pair!!) Then, I got to thinking and thought "We are all wearing white - except my nemisis and she's wearing a grey suit (she said).....I'm not going to let her get away with that but I don't want to spoil the look of the group - so I ordered a grey skirt to go with the fancy blouse.

I don't know what I'm going to wear.

At the last minute, I'll be putting things on and off, begging my daughter and daughter-in-law to tell me what looks the best.

I console myself with the fact that there is a dinner that evening for which I will have to look "nice" too - but don't worry - I'm not buying more clothes. Something in my wardrobe will go with something I've bought and that will have to do. Some things will just have to go back but that's the drawback of buying online. I don't have the packing materials any more or the return slips although I'm sure I can figure out how to manage if I have to.

Am I crazy? Of course. I'm also getting paranoid over being old and fat. I'm both.
I'm at least 30 years older than most of the women in the group (except my nemisis) so that's probably why they discount me and tend not to pay attention when I say something. They jabber among themselves about things pertinent to their lives and I probably did the same when I was their age. They are immersed in young children, the schools, the activities, the Hebrew classes (of their kids) and their jobs. I'm definitely on the outside of that - I don't even know most of the people they talk about.

I'm also by far the heaviest person in the class. I would guess that all but one are size 8 or thereabouts. The one who isn't is tall and slender - the others are short birdlike bodies that make me wonder how they ever bear children....no hips.
I feel like I'm going to crush them when obligatory hugs occur.

And, did I mention shoes? Oh damn. I love shoes. I was never a $100 a pair person, more like 100 pairs of $2.99 shoes from Ross. But now, with my brace, there are few styles I can wear comfortably and none that are fancy.

I bought a pair for the Bat Mitzvah but tried wearing them yesterday and they were so uncomfortable I don't see how I can get through a couple of hours of standing and/or walking (lots of sitting too). And they are CREAM (oh, don't get me started again). I have black sandals that would work, but that means I have to get a pedicure! Oh no, I can see where this is going.......manicure, facial, massage..........

Really, is there no end to this insanity?

They tend to let their eyes slide over me as though I'm invisible most of the time.
I'm a sight they don't want to believe in - old AND fat. Not a socially acceptable
combination.

I don't normally think of myself as fat. I've lost about 40 lbs in the last 7 years and kept them off, but I could stand to lose another 20 but it isn't happening and I'm not willing to make the changes that will make that happen. Yet. And, let's face it, there's nothing I can do about age. I'm lucky to have made it this far, let alone fool anyone that I'm young.

Problem is, my head feels young - at least younger than my body. So I want to join in, I want to bake up a storm, I want to party and dance - but it ain't going to happen. Instead I get tired at the thought of all the meals I will have to prepare, supervise and/or pay for. Personally, I prefer paying for them and enjoying the company because it's either, or. Not both. But that's the wisdom of age. So there's some good to come from it.

And, one last thing, it seems my nemisis has decided that a guitar would be nice to add to the service (less than 1 week to the service) and I saw an email from the instructor saying "No, it's too late to do anything like that." We'll see. I'm staying out of it beyond my response to the email which was "Yaayy".....I have my doubts if the instructor can hold out and I'm sick and tired of fighting.

My one consolation is that I talked to a member of a previous adult class (five people) who told me that it was the same in her class. One person tried to run the show and was bullying everyone to do it her way. It's not much of a consolation.