Once again, I'm sleepless. Am I anxious? Are thoughts tumbling through my brain raising my anxiety level? NO - I just can't sleep. It's like my body has forgotten how.
There is pain - but I don't think that's what wakes me up - I just notice it when I can't sleep.
I don't know what I'm going to do about the pain. The MD said there was no arthritis in that hip (they took an Xray a week or so ago).
The surgeon said "There can't be any pain coming from the back, it's all fused." Ergo, I'm not feeling any pain.
I've tried all kinds of pain medication and they have side effects which are worse than the pain - in my opinion. So I'm going to try and contact the doctor that did cortisone shots in my back.
He's a pompous prick, but he does do a good job with that and I'll just have to grin and bear it.
The reason I say he's a PP is because he talks about himself the whole time - about how wonderful he is and how successful and admirable.....really? Well, maybe it's all true, but while he was doing this he was jabbing 8 inch needles into my back and totally ignoring the fact that I was in a lot of pain. The wonderful nurse pointed out to him "I think she's hurting." Duh!
So unless I want to increase the pain, I can't exercise or walk much. That drives me nuts. I'm not one for sitting still unless I'm reading and I can't read all the time. I do spend a lot of time on the computer but I'm not that skilled or interested that I want to spend hours social networking - I'm just not into that.
Journaling is fun - but again it's rather self absorbed and of limited value. So blah blah blah -
I hurt - therefor I am. And I didn't sign up for this kind of old age!! I had planned to travel to distant places and/or explore the Galapagos and Manchu Pichu. Or at the very least, volunteer to help out in poor communities. Something!
I'm also getting scared about the future - I don't see anything good. My husband will be 80 this year. I'm afraid of losing him - and I see that all the time around me. Widows. Or I could go first - I'm in no hurry, but the process of dying is scary - not death but dying. If I had my druthers I don't want to go like my Mom, lingering in a convalescent home for years - non compus mentis. But it would seem I have little or no control how these years will be spent and with whom.
I think this part of aging is unknown territory. The sense of being out of control of your own destiny - the feeling that you are deteriorating mentally and physically and can't control that.
The sense that there is no "future"; no worthwhile goals; no productivity to make one feel useful in the world. This is where grandchildren come in - they make it all worthwhile and I only hope I'm around to take pleasure in THEIR achievements. My goal is to make it to Micah's Bar Mitzvah as I"m pretty sure Carol intends him to go that way. Hell, right now I'm hoping to make it to my own Bat Mitzvah in August.
So "if I could only walk" or "if only I had more energy"....are useless maunderings. It is what it is and I have to make the best of it.
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