The Better Part of Wisdom

My oldest daughter and her husband and two kids are planning to move to my city. They have good reasons not excluding the fact that my husband and I are getting older and may need more help in the coming years - for which I'm grateful.

But, they are also bringing with them their problems - financial, marital, emotional and parental. Can I deal with that? It's a good question because it requires rigorous honesty and I'm not sure of the answer.

On the one hand - I love them dearly - especially the kids. I want to be close to them and to have them in my life and vice versa. I hate being a long distance Grandma - although I do the best I can to "be there" for them. But, I don't know if I can handle them IN my house, IN my town
with the expectation that I be available to them on a daily basis - and I'm not sure that is the expectation. There has been some talk of them coming to my house after school and doing their homework here - but that means I need to be here doesn't it? I tell myself, they are not babies - they can come here to an empty house if need be and be responsible for themselves - but that's not what I think the bargain is. I think I'm supposed to ride herd on them - supervise them and stay on top of their homework - or at least the doing thereof.

I want to be available if they are sick - or need a ride someplace. I'm happy to go shopping with them or go to the movies with them. I like the idea of coming to Nana's and Grampa's house and feeling welcome.

But we've lived here 17 years without having to be responsible to anyone except ourselves (well, except for the years my Mom was in a convalescent home). ...we - I - have commitments. I go to OA two days a week, I have my Women's Group one day a week, I'm currently taking classes for my Bat Mitzvah and plan to continue with some kind of Hebrew or Trope classes after that. We both take community classes offered by Sonoma State or the JC (just one a semester but...) We visit our little granddaughter, Dahlia one day a week. We both try to exercise daily (well I don't do that as much as I should) and take care of business - shopping, walking the dog, fixing up the house, maintaining ourselves with doctor visits, grocery shopping etc. All time consuming.

My son-in-law says that their being here will turn our lives upside down - do I want that? I know there will be big changes, but "upside down" sounds pretty drastic. Of course, he likes to jab me and knows how to.

And then there is the desire to "help" - which I have to curtail. I have a strong urge to "take over". I want to fix things - so I fantasize buying them a house or a condo (at least) so they will have a "nice" place to live - or I fantasize remodeling our house so that we live in the "granny unit" and they have the downstairs - or ? I know I can't fix their problems and I know it's unrealistic to plan their lives, or try to take over .....but can I keep myself in check when they are right in my face?

This is part of parenting that no-one seems to focus on. There are books on parenting infants, toddler, children, adolescents but adults?? Once the kids are out of the house and /or married, it's all over - right? Wrong. Serene once told me that once you have children you are a hostage to the future and she was right - you/I always worry about them - their health- their welfare - their future - and it doesn't matter how old they are or you are.

The other part is that the goals I think are reflective of success and happiness may not look anything like what they want out of life. I don't quite know what they think they want - but over the years - I've concluded that it's not the things that I think are important. Or maybe they do agree with me but just haven't been able to sustain that. I think my daughter shares some of our values like owning a home, money in the bank, planning for the future, college for the kids etc. But it's hard to sit by and watch as those things flit out of control due to the economy or their choices. It's not like I have all the answers - but I sometimes feel like I do.

So, as I'm learning more and more about myself and how I function in the world - and I have to give OA credit here - I, at least, am able to look at MY part in these situations. What is in my control? What isn't? Why do I think I know the answers? And are my answers any good to anyone except myself? There are also expectations - many of which I didn't even know I had for my children - some, like college educations were obvious - but others like fulfilling my emotional life, I didn't.

So part of my fear about them moving to Santa Rosa is that I will have to deal with my expectations of what that will look like.....and I ask myself - is it dinner every Friday night together? Is it going to local attractions together? Will we take the kids to the Symphony?
and more..........

I will need to talk honestly and freely with my daughter and son-in-law about what THEIR expectations are and come to some kind of terms that balance between the four of us. I have to look at my expectations and honestly appaise them as to who benefits? Are these for MY benefit or theirs - do they share my view (unlikely) of what family connections are? Is it wise for me to organize my life around them? (as I'm likely to do) and I can't ignore my husband in all of this.
He is unlikely to be as self aware as I am - he is also unlikely to express his own needs and desires in this but he will have them.

Open communication is what is always prescribed in these situations - but how easy is that to do? How do you expose your needs and expectations and not worry about how that will be seen? Is it likely that there will be an understanding response? When should we do this? Now?
or when they get here? I have a sickly feeling that it is now....even though it may make them change their minds about coming here. Help!

Unanswerable. Tune in tomorrow - next week - next year. It's all a process.