Blabbermouth

I don't know what it is in me, but whatever I'm thinking or feeling comes right out of my mouth. I've always been this way. My Mother used to yell and me and smack me for "telling family secrets"....like I knew what they were. People on buses with me knew everything about me and my husband said that when I was in line for a movie, I left knowing everyone's means of birth control..In school I was always sharing - I thought - what I was doing and what my interests were which essentially was gossip. Only to find out that others felt that was too intrusive. And now, I seem to be doing it to my kids.

I write about my anxieties, fears. I try to fix problems. I worry over events and
incidents, relationships. I think I'm probably a pain in the neck to my youngest daughter - and she's right. I'm always stepping on her toes, it would seem - or revealing things that she wants to keep personal.

If someone tells me that what we are talking about is secret - I do honor that. But often, I'm just thinking about whatever situation is occurring and it just runs out of my mouth.

Even here, where there are few readers and I'm mostly writing to relieve my own tensions and anxieties - I must remember there ARE readers.

I guess this is a form of apology or explanation to those of my readers who might be affected by my behaviour. I wish I understood it better.

I do know that some of it is "currency of communication".....my Mother may have condemned me for talking to much but she and my Aunt Helen traded family "secrets", personal information about me
and general gossip as a constant flow of exchange. Everyone in my Mother's circle knew when I got my period, what my grades were, what my interests were and what boys I liked....there were no boundaries within the family. But I think I took it farther. Sharing all this stuff is a way of creating bonds, giving and taking in relationships - the problem being that the people I talk about may have other ideas
about sharing their personal information.

I always think of village life - where my Mom came from. No books, movies, TV, newspapers or magazines. What else was there to talk about and entertain onself with? There were no secrets no matter how hard people tried to have private lives.

I think people's interest in the personal life of movie stars and "public" figures is an extension of that "schetl" life. We are interested in each other - we bond via sharing information. But at the same time, I remember my Mother trying to keep SOME information private. But soap operas are there for a reason and I think the reason stems from our social history as human beings.

I guess I'm looking for excuses. But I notice that others do this - it's the currency of conversation in my Chavurah and I'm at a disadvantage because I don't even know the people they talk about. But they do talk....a lot about other people.
How they know who is getting married, divorced, or pregnant I don't know they get this information but they do.

So cut me some slack here. If it's a secret - say so....if you don't want people to know something - don't tell me. I may feel cut out - but at least I don't feel like
I'm a terrible person for talking.

I'm a talker. I belong to at least three groups whose sole purpose is talking - mostly about ourselves and what's happening in our lives. It's very helpful for me to be able to do this and get feedback on things that disturb or upset me. I get a lot of insight that comes from being very open in these groups. And I'm thinking of getting into a current events group so I can share my feelings and thoughts about what's happening in the world. AND, I really do want to hear what other people are thinking even if I disagree with them.

Still, I'm also trying to pay attention to when I USE the information I have in a way that is not healthy. In trying to give myself more importance, or trying to be entertaining......it's not a fair exchange at that point.

OK, I've rambled enough - and if there is something to be learned here - I'll have to t hink on it. Just bear with me - I'm only human and a talker!